Speaking Of Love #25 & 26

Our new neighbors came over for dinner last evening, which was great but left me extra tired.  10:00 PM found me asleep on the couch instead of in my usual spot with my laptop.  So tonight is catch-up night (and if Josiah and David were here, they would chime in with "and tomorrow is mustard night!").  :)

Nightfall

I need so much the quiet of your love

After the day's loud strife;

I need your calm all other things above

After the stress of life.

I crave the haven that in your dear heart lies,

After all toil is done,

I need the star shine of your heavenly eyes,

After the day's great sun.

~ Charles Hanson Towne

Familiar acts are beautiful through love.

~ Percy Shelley

As I was growing up, I watched as my parents gave each other cards for all the important occasions:  birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Days, etc.  The cards were beautiful, and the words both lovely and loving.  But as I got older and went through a period of "Love Must Be Wordy," I was astonished that they signed the cards so simply.  "Love, Harold," my dad might write; or "Your Barbara," from my mother.  Where were the lines and pages of breathless words of adoration that the giver of the card penned in addition to the preprinted words of the card?   I knew my parents loved each other; their healthy marriage never failed to be a rock-solid foundation for our family life.  But why were they so spartan in how they signed their cards?

This goes along with what I wrote in this post a few days ago, and I'll try to not repeat everything I wrote there; but in essence, now I get it.  When a man and a woman have expressed faithful, sincere love to each other for many years, maybe they get to graduate from the "Love Must Be Wordy" club to the "Love Can Be Simple" one.  I think that's what happened to my parents; and although I still always write a little extra "sweet nothing" in cards I give to Jeff, I think that might be happening to me, too.  

I can only speak about Jeff and I; but I can see, as I look in the rear-view mirror of life, that much of the abundance of written love that we expressed to each other in the early days of our relationship was caused by two things:  

1. the geographic distance between us and the way that caused so much longing to well up in our souls, 

and

2. (to be frank) the issues with trust (rather, lack of trust) and insecurity that we battled through on our way to creating a stable marriage.  

I suppose the other factor was simply that we were young and headily in love, and there was so much to feel and so much to say.   *Sigh*...young love is so emotional...*sigh again*.  :)

A memory pops into my head:  sitting in the Chula Vista Boys and Girls Club, listening to Martin Bentley preach about marriage.  As Martin preached about the different seasons and stages of marriage, I remember listening and agreeing but not being able to imagine anything other than the newlywed stage.  Jeff and I had a lengthy newlywed stage; in fact, in my opinion, it lasted until Josiah was born, exactly five years and six days after our wedding.  (As an aside, I also remember being jolted out of the newlywed stage when we returned from Israel, eight years after our wedding.  When we left San Diego for Israel, we were still a fairly young couple with a very small, easy-to-take-with-us child, who jetted around town in a Honda Accord.  When we returned two and a half years later, we had two children, had discovered that our mobility had taken a nosedive, and bought a minivan.  Any thoughts I still had about being a young newlywed vanished as soon as we strapped two carseats into that minivan!)  

But back to the point, when Martin spoke about the depth and richness and maturity of love that was possible between two people who had been married for a long(er) amount of time, when he said that it was perhaps a better kind of love even though the butterflies that were so prevalent in the early stage of a relationship rarely showed up later on, I'm sure my head was nodding yes while my heart was still in the fog.  Now, not only does my head nod yes, but my heart does, too.  

Even if I could, I wouldn't trade this golden stage of marriage for any of the glitzy romance of courtship (and I realize that Jeff and I have only been married for 13 years, and that hardly qualifies me to speak about long-lasting marriage, but we're on our way to it!).  The security that comes from years of being together, the inexpressible comfort of knowing and being known, the memories that unite, the joy of discovering something new in the other person's character, the butterflies that do still show up ;-) - all of these are precious beyond my ability to describe.  And so, if Jeff's pen doesn't pour forth such long, ardent love letters as it used to do when we were dating and engaged, so be it.  I'm OK with that.  Really and truly, I am.  The love that he lives is more valuable than the love that he writes.  

Let me balance all of that out by saying this:  I'm a huge believer in the idea of love languages, and it is probably quite obvious by all that I've written here that my number one love language is not words of affirmation.  Surprise!  :)   I'm sure that a woman who did rank that in the top spot might perceive things very differently than what I've described; and likewise, of course, a man whose most important love language was words of affirmation wouldn't write as I did.  But here's where one of the best marriage "secrets" comes into play:  KNOW YOUR SPOUSE.  Talk to him, ask him questions about what makes him feel loved, study him, memorize everything you can about him...and then, DO IT.  Whatever it takes, whatever he needs, whatever form of love fills his tank, do it, say it, make it happen.  If that means long, sappy handwritten letters on beautiful stationary, don't let anything stop you from writing them.  Not even some spilled words found in some obscure corner of the blogosphere.  ;-)

Well!  That was a rather long introduction to the love letters I wanted to share tonight!  I guess I was still mulling over Anne's question about whether Jeff still writes such flowery, passionate, eloquent, amazing love letters, and I discovered that her query brought up a flurry of thoughts for me.  And what do I do with my thought-flurries?  Process them by writing them on my blog, of course!

Without further ado...because goodness, we've had enough ado already!...here is the card Jeff gave me for our third anniversary--June 7, 2000.  Back when, you know, we were still newlyweds and still used copious amounts of words to describe our love for each other.  ;-)

The message on the card itself was very nice, and I'm sure he looked at all the cards in the anniversary section before he chose this one.  Wait.  What's that?  You mean, he didn't?  You're saying only women do that?  You really think this was the first card he picked up?  Well, I declare, men really must be from Mars.  ;-)

Some unknown Hallmark writer did a good job because the card said this:

(when I opened the front cover)
Lately it seems we never
have enough time together.
Between the demands of work and home,
there's not a lot of time or energy
left over for just us.
Today, on our anniversary,
I want you to know
that no matter how busy
life may get,
you're always a part
of everything I am
and everything I do.

(when I turned the page)
You're a wonderful woman,
and our relationship
gives me the strength
and confidence
to be my very best.
And it gives me the love
and emotional support
that get me through
every hectic day.
I can't imagine
life without you.

(on the next page...yeah, it was a long card)
So although some days
we may be too busy
to spend much time together,
I want you to know
that you are at the heart
of everything in my life.


I Love You
Happy Anniversary

(signed, with ardor despite its brevity, I'm sure)
I do love you!
Jeffrey

But then...  ;-)

When the pages were unfolded to reveal the big blank white space in the center of the card, I discovered this:

He wrote:

My beautiful Lady -

This card seemed appropriate for our current schedules.  I do hope in our "new life" [serving in the ministry together, rather than him working as a barber and me working as a piano teacher] we will find ourselves closer than ever and with more time to create pleasant memories together.

In many ways it has been a "quick" three years, due, I am sure, to our happiness together.  Thank you for bringing that happiness to our marriage.  You have demonstrated great patience and longsuffering with all my shortcomings.  I feel unworthy of the wife and the life that God has given me.  I certainly feel privileged, favored, and spoiled.

Davene, I love you so much and am excited to spend many more decades with you at my side.  I comfort in the dreams of raising children together some day...and even seeing our grandchildren.  Life is such an awesome gift.  I love you more than my own self and hope to mature more in that love so that you may feel as blessed to have me as I do to have you!  [Oh, I do, believe me!] :)

Happy 3rd anniversary!

I love you, Happy!

Jeffrey

One last thing to include in this verbose post:  an undated letter from Jeff that must have been written around the same time period as that anniversary card--maybe a little later.

I love you, my Princess!

Thank you for being you.  Often, when I think of you, if you are gone, I miss you and I fall in love all over again.  You are my best friend, my lover, my thrift store companion, my bed buddy, my warmth, my joy, my heartbeat, my dinner mate, and my ministry companion.  God is so great in His infinite foreknowledge!  He demonstrates this clearly to us in our first meeting, the softening of family hearts, our awesome wedding, our faith, your talent, and my schooling.  And now this!  Ministers for Christ!  It is rather astounding!

Thanks, Davene, For Being Mine - 

Forever and Faithfully Yours,

Jeffrey

And I'm forever and faithfully his, too.  ;-)