Pardon Me, I Think My Cave Is Showing

If this past January could be summed up in one word - sickness - this February can be summed up in one word, too - cave-dwelling.  There is so much going on inside my head and heart that I find myself withdrawing, turning inwards, and reflecting on my own situation.  I'm not trying to be suspenseful about all this reflecting; in a nutshell, it mostly has to do with our continued search for where God is leading us spiritually, what congregation to be a part of, and how that will affect our family.  But it weighs on me; and as Jeff and I talk and pray and search, we are keenly aware of the four little ones who are looking to us for guidance.  It feels huge.

Meanwhile, I discover that I'm spending more and more time in my cave.  How do I see that happening?  For one thing, even though I've blogged a lot this month, my posts have been, for the most part, shallow.  I've LOVED going back through Jeff's letters, and that theme has brought a lot of joy to my heart, but that hasn't demanded of me that I open my heart now and bare my current thoughts and feelings to the inspection of my readers.  The various random events of my life with boys have provided plenty of material for short posts here and there, but again, there's not much depth there.  That's OK; not everything has to be deep; I know that.  But it is uncharacteristic of me to not reveal much at all of what I'm really thinking and how I'm really feeling, and that tells me that I've been hanging out in my cave.

The other way I notice it is in, for example, my email inbox.  My number of emails have climbed rapidly during the past few weeks; and when I stop to analyze that, I realize that it's not because I've been getting so many more than normal but because I haven't responded to them.  I feel like a turtle, secluded in its shell, and I don't even want to poke my head out.  I also see it in how few comments I've left on other people's blogs recently and how sporadically I've responded to people who have left comments on mine.  I'm way behind in reading the new posts on my Google Reader.  I know full well that there's no pressure with all of this, and I shouldn't feel it as such a weighty obligation.  But the fact is, these are my friends I'm talking about!  I'm not so vain as to think that the world stops turning if I don't respond to someone's email right away, but I'm also aware that I want to make my friends feel treasured and special and loved, and I can't do that well if I don't answer an email (and to a lesser extent, read their blog and perhaps leave a comment).  To those who are reading and have maybe felt let down by me recently, I'm so sorry.

So.
Here I am.
In my cave.
Trying to summon up the mental and emotional energy to take a small step out of it and connect with someone.
Because I know that making my own cave look pretty is far less important than living in the real (messy) world.
And being safe is nothing compared with being sent.