Speaking Of Love #20

There is a comfort in the strength of love; t'will make a thing endurable which else would overset the brain, or break the heart.

~ William Wordsworth

This evening as I reached into my box of love letters from Jeff, my hand drew forth this letter which I'm going to share; but when I read it for the first time, I almost talked myself out of posting it.  (By the way, it's not as if I have a well-organized master plan for what letters I'll share; it really comes down to looking at the dates on the outside of the envelopes and then randomly choosing one based on what month I'm looking at.  I pull it out of the box, take the letter from the envelope, unfold the paper, and start to read.  Almost always, that is the letter that I post for that night, so it's not as if I chose these particular letters because they were somehow the best or because they expressed the highlights of our relationship.  They are just the "normal" letters.)  

Those who know me well know that I strive to live life as an open book (my reason can be found here, in John 3:19-21), but this particular letter felt even more raw than normal, and I almost held back.  Maybe it felt raw because even though it was written 14 years ago, I relate so closely to the struggles expressed within, particularly where it concerns the church.  But, raw or not, here it is, in all its messy realness:

16 Feb 97

Sunday

Well, my dearest fiancée - 


Here it is, time to say goodbye again.  Against my will, I am getting used to it:  bursts of joy in a short visit, then back to work and worldly concerns.  I long for it to be different.  I love you, Davene.  I know just as I am anxious to devote myself back to my "normal" schedule and study of the Word, you too are probably ready to apply yourself to your last semester, recitals, choirs, etc.  How will you adapt to such a massive change of pace in your life after moving here?  I trust merely because I know I met you in Israel:  a very unusual environment for you and you adapted quite well.  I love you.


Thank you for letting me go "way out" this Valentine's.  [I don't remember everything he bought me, but I do know it was a lot.  If my memory is correct, this was also the holiday for which he arranged a special candlelight dinner on the beach for us.  So romantic!]  It's uncontrollable for me.  I find myself possessed by you and building the moments in my mind continually for the short times we see each other.  Thank you for sharing this time with me.  Thank you for making me confident of your love and sure of your faithfulness.  Now if I can just hold on, be strong, and strengthen my faith, it all will be well.  I am starving spiritually, Davene.  I am anxious for this time the next few weeks just to search out and draw nigh to God.  I feel distant from Him.  I've been angry and not even identifying it.  Angry that He has left His church, His bride, in such ragged clothing.  She is wretched, pitiful, poor, blind, and naked.  But He left her alone so long, with His Comforter, of course...but so many people only slightly move in His Spirit... I want to know Him, as a man his espoused.  I yearn for a better relationship with Jesus.


I do want you to come in May.  If you don't, I will certainly do all I can to visit you.  The time away is too much and it scares me tremendously.  I need you; I love you.  I know your love; thank you.


Thank you for the best Valentine's ever.  I hope your flight goes well - ask if they have cranberry juice to drink for me!


Goodbye, my Happy,
Jeffrey