What Shav Taught Me about Trust...

...and how that relates to my upcoming labor and delivery.

From the moment we stepped through the doors of Massanutten Waterpark, it was obvious which of the six of us was least enthused about being there:  Shav, by a landslide.  The rest of us possessed, in great quantities, happy memories of previous visits and were eager to create more memories in an environment so completely devoted to fun; but Shav was--quite understandably--overwhelmed and intimidated by the sights, the sounds, the newness of it...everything, I suppose.  Even walking down the stairs by the "waterfall" in the lobby was hard for him to do, and he eagerly searched for arms to hold him and carry him down the steps.

I watched him throughout our time there and picked up on various cues from him about what he was feeling; and as I sat quietly and held him for several hours as he slept during our second visit to the waterpark that day, I tried to put myself in his shoes.  It is noisy in there.  All the sounds of rushing water and pumps and people and heating systems and who knows what else make it a very loud environment.  And it is big.  The room itself, the slides, the buckets of water that pour out occasionally, etc.--all are huge.  There is so much to see and hear and feel that it's no wonder he was most likely feeling very small in the midst of it all.

But this is the wonderful part.  Rather than fussing and crying and expressing his timidity in that way, that sweet boy chose trust, instead of fear.  Every time we went into the pool, he clung to me like a koala--quiet and peaceful, but close.  I offered for him to stand up on the ledge along the side of the pool, with my arm around him, so that just his feet and legs would be in the water; but he wasn't interested.  He was wearing a life jacket so he was perfectly safe even if I wasn't holding him, but I don't think he knew that.  Instead, he simply wanted to be in my arms.

When he and I grabbed a big yellow raft with room for a child and adult and got ready to enter the lazy river, he quickly learned the routine and would react the same every single time.  He would let me put him in the front "seat" of the intertube, and he would cross his legs, reach both arms out to grab the handles, then lay his sweet head down on the front of the tube.  When we got to the area where water sprayed down on part of the river, I always steered his part of the tube away from the falling water; he knew that, and would always turn his head away from the mist and would release the handle on that side so his arm wouldn't get sprayed and then would grasp the handle again once we were past.  He didn't whimper or say he didn't like it, but neither did he express jubilation at being there.  ;-)  He was so calm, so serene, so tranquil the whole time we were there.  So peaceful, in fact, that he didn't have any trouble at all drifting off to sleep in my arms that evening as the water in the pool gently rocked both of us.

Trust, instead of fear.

That, in a nutshell, is how I hope to approach the birth of my baby.  How thankful I am for the experience of watching Shav deal with such an unfamiliar environment, because it gave me the perfect imagery for how I anticipate experiencing this birth.  I don't know how things will go; it is undoubtedly an unfamiliar environment for me, even though I've given birth to four babies previously.  No one can ever predict, with any certainty, how labor will go.  But there is One who knows; and just as Shav so readily put his hand in mine and walked beside me without protest as we moved from one activity to another in the waterpark, and just as he so placidly laid his head on my shoulder and relaxed in my arms in the water, so do I long to put my hand into His as I walk through labor and rest my head on His shoulder when I am growing weary.

Trust, instead of fear.

The labor which I entered with the most trust was Tobin's, and it blew my mind how easy it was (until I lost my focus for the last half hour or so, and then it got crazy difficult).  You'd think after having such a great experience with Tobin's delivery that Shav's would have been a piece of cake; but as a matter of fact, I was dealing with a terrible amount of fear as labor with him started and progressed.  It had only been 18 months since I had given birth to Tobin, after all--not enough time to really forget how painful the end of that labor was!  Besides, I was nearly overcome with fear about life in general and how I would be able to adapt to being a mother of four young ones (two of whom did not yet walk!).  I distinctly remember confessing to Jeff, as we waited in the hospital room an hour or two before Shav was born, how very afraid I was.  Despite the quickness of my labor with him, it was not an easy labor; and I do not want to experience again the deep, dark fear I felt during that time.

I haven't written about my Arise goal for a while; but just because I haven't mentioned it doesn't mean I'm not doing it.  I'm not "perfect" with it, in terms of always getting up at 7:00 AM, seven days out of the week; sometimes life and circumstances get in the way of even the best resolutions.  But I am grateful for the tremendous growth in this area of my life since January 1st.  I'm especially filled with gratitude when I see the fruit of my early morning times with God, one of those fruits being something that relates directly to this post: a stillness of spirit as I think ahead to childbirth.

To be frank, I've been astonished at the lack of fear I've felt as I consider giving birth.  The peace has been astounding; and let me immediately give the glory to God because I know that, in myself, I am a fearful, quaking-in-the-knees woman.  But not now.  Not in this area.  Not as I lean on His strength.

So many verses have come alive to me during this time of preparation (and thank you to those of you who shared verses in the comments on this post!), and I have been loving the sweet communion with my Father that has resulted from my acknowledgement of my upcoming need for help from outside myself.  One of the verses that I've thought about often is Isaiah 26:3, and the words that come automatically to my mind are from the old King James Version, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee."  Stayed on Him - yes!  That's it exactly!  That's what I've been doing, have already reaped the benefits from, and long to do for the rest of this pregnancy, all during the delivery, and in the days of adjustment to come after the birth.

But let me be honest: two things shook me in the past several days, and threatened to turn my focus from staying on Him.  First, the incident I mentioned yesterday about Kara.  Suddenly, doubts and fears swept into my mind.  Would I end up in the same situation as she?  Second, the sizable physical discomfort I felt after my headlong dash after Shav on the runaway tricycle.  Would my body recover from that before the hard work of labor began?  Today, as my muscles continued to ache from yesterday's unexpected exertion and as my heart continued to hurt when I thought of Kara, I realized what was going on: I was losing my focus.  The battle to "stay on Him" began again, and the peace that resulted from it quickly swept through my soul.

I don't know how long this peace will last: for another week? until my due date? until labor begins? all through my labor? until the very end when my precious daughter is born? even after her birth when the nurses start using my empty uterus as a punching bag to supposedly make it contract to stop blood loss and I want to yell, "it IS contracting, for pete's sake? can you give me an epidural now for the pain?!"  ;-)  But this I know.  I will appreciate each moment that is flooded by such a sweet sense of tranquility and trust; and if it should start to depart, I will fight for it to return.

An old hymn comes to mind--one that I haven't heard for a very long time.  A phrase from the chorus floats through my head..."stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest..."  I look up the words and discover this text, written so many years ago by Frances Havergal:

1. Like a river glorious is God’s perfect peace,
   Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
   Perfect, yet it floweth fuller every day,
   Perfect, yet it groweth deeper all the way.
   • Refrain:
     Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
     Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.
2. Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
   Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
   Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
   Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.
3. Every joy or trial falleth from above,
   Traced upon our dial by the Son of Love;
   We may trust Him fully all for us to do;
   They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

Trust, instead of fear.  That is what I remember Shav displaying in the waterpark, and that is what I'm eager to demonstrate as the time draws near for this little girlie to be born.  My hand in His, every single step of the way.

~ our talented friend Emily kindly did a photoshoot for us last Saturday evening, and I am THRILLED with the pictures she got...this is just the first that I'll share (hopefully the rest tomorrow in a pregnancy update?)...thank you, Emily, for this moment with Shav that you captured...and I didn't even know you were taking this picture!  :)

Interested in hearing how the hymn I quoted above goes?  Maybe it's a new one for you.  Here's a beautiful instrumental version of it by Chris Rice.

6 Out of 7

These days, thoughts tumble through my head and words beg to be spilled.  Ideas need to be explored and expressed, phrases want to be expanded, and my fingers ache with the desire to sit down and open the floodgates for the words that press on my mind.

And then, night comes, the boys fall asleep, calm settles, and I?  I seem to be made out of nothing but cardboard.  My strength gone, I collapse gratefully into the nearest chair or couch and allow my body to relax.  Just to sit.  To be.

Here in these hours of darkness when I could be pouring out my heart, the minutes slip by and I only want to rest.  The words stay inside, still contained, unspilled.  For now...

This is why my weekly Arise update did not get written last evening.  This is why this Arise update will be succinct.  This is why I'll immediately fall into bed as soon as I post this.  :)

So, in a nutshell, how did I do this week?  Last Sunday I wrote of my desire to achieve 7-for-7-at-7.  In actuality, I managed to hit 6 out of 7--the one day I missed was because of an early-morning wake-up call from Shav who, from his window view from the crib, saw and heard Jeff leaving for the barber shop during the one day of the week that Jeff has to leave early for work  Shav was so very sad to see his daddy leave; and I needed to comfort him, of course.  So my early morning time was devoted to that; but the good thing is that later in the day, I did make time to spend with God rather than just feeling defeated and waiting until the next morning to try again.  Which reminds me...

I am keenly aware that after my baby is born, life will be turned on its head for a while, and my strict adherence to a 7:00 a.m. wake-up would be unrealistic.  I know that and accept that.  But for now, in these last weeks/months before she is born, I treasure the opportunity to enjoy this stability in my schedule, without putting pressure on myself to duplicate this in the early days of having a newborn.  I'm sure I'll be blessed with plenty of time (mostly in the middle of the night) to pray and meditate and read (if I can glue my eyes open) after Baby Girl is born!  :)

This past week I continued to read and study the book of I John, which I'll finish soon, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan, which I am almost done with, too.  I also started going through Praying God's Will for My Husband by Lee Roberts, a book which had sat on my shelf gathering dust for too long.  After Crazy Love, I want to dive into Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize, a book I've read before but would like to read again in preparation for my upcoming delivery.  I feel like just by mentioning that book, I should write a whole blog post about it, but I won't.  Not tonight...  That whole feeling-like-cardboard-and-collapsing thing, you know...it makes it quite difficult to sit upright and write long, deep blog posts about somewhat controversial books.  ;-)

In my search for a worship song to accompany this post, I came across this one which was new to me.  From the very beginning, the lyrics spoke to my heart:
Father, I see that you are drawing a line in the sand,
And I want to be standing on your side, holding your hand...
It reminds me so much of my favorite chapter in Crazy Love, the one called "Serving Leftovers to a Holy God."  I'm so grateful when the words I read and the songs I hear cut my heart and convict me of changes I need to make.  That's the whole point of this, after all.  I didn't choose to focus on Arise this year so that I could be the same when December 31 rolls around, but so that I could be radically different.  I don't know yet exactly what that will look like, but I know that I want it.  And each day, by His strength, I'm getting closer.

Scrambling for the Plateau Again

Last week, I lamented the spiritual plateau on which I was treading during my morning quiet times with God, and I wrote of my desire to arise further and make solid progress up the mountain.  This week, I completely fell off the side of the cliff and was left gazing at the wonders of that nearly-unattainable plateau.  When I was on it, I didn't much like it.  After I lost it, I realized anew how delightful even that straight stretch of land had been!

The culprit, of course, was the sickness that plagued me this week; and because I wasn't feeling well, it was so easy to justify staying in bed a little longer each morning and not getting up promptly.  Actually, I don't really feel bad about that; I didn't choose to focus on the word "arise" and document all of this just to get legalistic about it.  As a matter of fact, Psalm 127:2 tells us that "he grants sleep to those he loves," so you could say I was simply receiving the Father's love in increased measure this past week!  ;-)  But what I should have done--and didn't--was make other time during those sleep-in-as-late-as-I-could days to spend some time in the Word.

The past few days, I've been getting back on track; and I'm feeling hope as I look ahead to this week.  I'm shooting for 7-for-7-at-7:  7 days of the week, 7 days of getting up when my alarm rings, at 7:00 a.m. each morning.  I'll let you know how it goes...  :)

For my song this week, I couldn't pass up this oldie-but-goodie.  This takes me back to an earlier time in my life...when worship looked like this, complete with flag-waving, shofar-blowing, before-the-Lord dancing abandon.  Back in those days, I couldn't wait to get my feet on the soil of Israel.  In some ways, things haven't changed a bit.  :)

After a Plateau, It's Time to Arise Again

My alarm still went off at 7:00 a.m. every morning this past week.

I still got up when it went off.

I still tiptoed downstairs and found my way to the couch to read my Bible and spend time with God before the boys awoke.

I did all the same stuff.

But it wasn't the same.  Not as victorious...or joyful...or meaningful...or impacting.  Not as convicting...or inspiring...or life-changing.  It was tinged with a just-going-through-the-motions feeling.  It was OK, but not GREAT!  And in this life, I'm shooting for GREAT!

Rather than beat myself up too much about the way this past week went, I'm choosing to simply see it as a plateau, a chance to reevaluate as I walk along and gaze up at the next mountaintop.  And starting tomorrow morning, I'm ready to climb again!

Two things I'm planning to change:  first, rather than head for the couch, I'm going to head for the kitchen table. Much less temptation to fall asleep there.  ;-)  Second, I'm going to have a definite plan for what to read, rather than the somewhat aimless wandering I did this past week.  To hold me publicly accountable, I'll state here that I'm going to study I John (such a profound book about love!) and read Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  I started both of those this past week, but made slow progress as I was distracted by various other spiritual rabbit trails. Don't get me wrong: sometimes the spur-of-the-moment diversion in the Bible leads to an oasis of refreshment, but I at least want to have a solid plan and make some progress in it.

So, that is my mountain-climbing plan for this next phase of the Arise project.  May all my steps be directed by Him!!

As I was looking for another worship song with the theme of "arise," I came across this powerful video.  Some of these images are so graphic that I don't even want to look at them; but when I force myself to keep my eyes open, I'm drawn anew to the love the Father has for us...that He would sacrifice His Son for me.  How can it be?

Nearly a Month Has Gone by...

...and I'm so grateful, both for the word that God gave me for this year, and the habit of arising that He has helped me develop.  Here, quickly, because I want to get to bed early enough to wake on time tomorrow, are some thoughts about this that I've gathered this week...

~ I haven't missed a morning; but once in a while, I don't hear my alarm when it first rings, and Jeff has to poke me so I get up.  ;-)  One unfortunate morning, I heard my alarm, got up, was SURE I turned off the alarm so it wouldn't continue to ding after its specified interval of minutes, but apparently was not successful in hitting the off switch.  I was downstairs reading my Bible and didn't hear a thing, but Jeff later told me that I had indeed not turned it off and he had to hear the rings and finally turn it off.  I didn't mean to do that!  :)

~ I finished Ordinary Faithful People this past week and really, really enjoyed it.  I feel kind of silly that it took me so many years to finally pull that book off the shelf and read it; but maybe God knew that, at this point in my life, I would be able to glean so much wisdom and encouragement from it, so He was saving it for me.  :)

~ Right now, I'm reading the book of Zephaniah.  It's not a very long book, so I won't spend too many days on it; but in reality, I do more than just read.  In fact, the first day I was studying that book, I read the entire thing to get an overview of Zephaniah's whole message.  But now I'm enjoying reading and studying in depth smaller portions of it so that I can really get a lot out of it.

~ My time with God zips by, and I'm realizing that it would really be great to have even more time so that I could read and study and learn even more.  :)  But as of yet, I haven't nudged my alarm clock any earlier.  In my mind, there's a huge difference between waking at, say, 6:55 and waking at, 7:00--a much bigger difference than the five minutes that it really is.  ;-)

~ So far, I've been spending most of the time reading and learning from His word, but I am recognizing that I don't want this to be a purely academic thing of adding to my knowledge.  Rather, I want it to be a profound deepening of relationship with my Savior; and to facilitate that, I know I need to spend more of the time in prayer.  Starting tomorrow, I'd like to spend the first few (at least) minutes of the time on my knees, before I even dive into the Word.

~ Even when I go to bed too late and I really would rather sleep longer in the morning, it's not too hard for me to get up because I've gotten lazy and have come to rely on the fact that almost always, there is a little gap of time before the boys get up and I can actually grab a little more shut-eye on the couch after I finish my reading.  Sometimes one of the boys will come down and snuggle with me while I drift off.  Sometimes Josiah will be up reading his Bible.  But quite a few mornings, I've been able to take a short power nap before I really have to get up and get on with my day.  As grateful as I am for the refreshment that those times bring, I do not, however, want to come to rely on them.  I still want to become more disciplined at night so I can get to bed on time and awake ready to get up--and, what's more, stay up!

~ I've enjoyed searching for some more songs with the word "Arise" in them, and this week I discovered this one.  It is glorious!  Besides the beautiful music, the words are powerful, ringing with truth, and calling the church to action.  Which reminds me that, now that the basic habit of arising in the morning for this time with God is in place, I want to grow past this.  I long for the word "arise" to come to signify so much more than simply waking up.  I look for an arising in other areas of my life, an onward journey towards maturity, and a look-beyond-myself shift in perspective.  To not just arise and sit at His feet (although that is the absolutely essential starting place), but to arise and FIGHT - that is my desire.  Here then is the song that reminds me of all of this...

22 Days In...

...and I'm thankful that every morning of this new year, I've been able to arise when my alarm goes off and spend time with God first thing, before the rest of the day's activities begin.  After three weeks of this, it should be a habit by now, right?  :)

I have recently developed a problem, however.  I'm getting so used to the gentle sound of my alarm clock's first ding that I don't even hear it.  This morning, for example, Jeff--who unfortunately, does hear the alarm--had to wake me up.  Hopefully my mind will do a better job this week of tuning into that sound so I can respond quickly and hop out of bed before the second ring.

As smoothly as this has gone, it's almost hard for me to remember how nervous I was about it, about making this public commitment to a consistent wake-up/devotional time.  My faith was shaky, to say the least.  But I've discovered again how faith-building it is to take on a challenge and conquer it.  Seeing growth produces zeal for more growth!  So many times, I feel like my growth is occurring at such a snail's pace that I wonder if I'm even moving in the right direction at all.  In times like that, it is incredibly helpful to remember past obstacles that have been surmounted.  For example (and this is kind of embarrassing for me), ever since we moved here back in 2005, I have had a TERRIBLE problem with accumulating a towering mountain of paperwork and assorted "junk" on one of the counters in my kitchen.  I truly felt like I would never be able to get rid of that mountain--and what's more, keep from building it again.  I could just picture my children sorting through it after my death someday and them saying to each other, "Our crazy mother!  Why in the world did she keep receipts from way back in 2011, and here's the owner's manual for a CD player that started working 30 years ago, and look, I found a note in childish writing that says, 'I love you, Mom.' But it doesn't say which one of us wrote it or when, so it's into the trash heap for it.  I sure wish Mom had done a better job of getting rid of junk!"

Somehow, although I'm still not sure how, things clicked for me in this area towards the end of last year, and amazingly, I've been able to keep that counter almost completely clutter-free.  For me, that accomplishment is HUGE--nearly as big as being able to get up on time every morning to spend time with God.  For others, it might not seem like much.  For me, these are two of the earth's highest peaks, and I--with God's ever-present help--have climbed them.

But here's the thing:  as I practice this habit of Arising and this part of my schedule becomes more disciplined, I see other areas to work on--bedtime, for example!  Too many nights, I'm still hanging on to the peace and quiet of a darkened, still house and time to read and write all by myself.  :)  I still need to figure out how to get myself into bed earlier.  Sigh... But one mountain at a time!  :)

And speaking of mountains...  I wasn't familiar with this song before this year began, but I discovered it while doing a search for songs with the word "arise."  The scenery is impressive, to say the least.  Doesn't it just make your spirit soar to witness the majesty and beauty of God's creation?

Still Arising?

Yep!

Not to sound overly pious or anything like that, but I am certain that it is only by God's grace and strength that I've been able to arise every day for the past 15 days when my alarm clock goes off and come down to my spot to spend time with God first thing in the morning.  I still marvel at how (relatively) easy it's been.  And here I was thinking that it would be a huge struggle for me!  I remember vividly how, as the last week of December slipped by and January 1 loomed ahead, I was very nearly dreading the accountability that my announcement of my 2012 goal would bring.  I would *have to* get up on time every morning.  How in the world could I do it??

Yet somehow I have, all thanks to Him.

I eagerly anticipate continuing this morning habit; but I'm realistic enough to know that with some major changes looming in a few months, I'll need to adjust my expectations, especially during the initial period of new-baby-in-the-house-and-EVERYTHING-is-different transition.  I'm not legalistic enough to fret over that, if my 7:00 a.m. wake-up time falls by the wayside for a while.  But for now, while this sweet girl grows and wiggles inside me, I'll enjoy the peace of my mornings with God.

Speaking of peace...  I have had some C-R-A-Z-Y dreams recently, which is not uncommon during pregnancy.  Perhaps I'll write more about them at some point.  But this morning, for example, when my alarm gave off its cheerful ding, it wakened me from a dream in which both Shav and David were drowning, and I had to rescue them, and oh, it was horrible.  I hated it.  With my heart still beating wildly and my mind racing as I tried to reassure myself that it was just a dream and all my boys were truly safe and it was time to put the fear behind me, I crept down the steps and settled onto the little couch to commune with God.  What deep, precious comfort it was to open my Bible and read Psalm 16:

"Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge...you have made my lot secure...because he [the Lord] is at my right hand, I will not be shaken...my body also will rest secure..."

The terror that had gripped me so fiercely when I first awoke gradually receded as the words of life flooded into my soul.  How grateful I was to be hearing from the Lord first thing, rather than listening to boys discuss which cereal they were planning to eat and who needed help pouring the milk and how much time we had to get ready to leave the house for a church service and where Tobin's black shoes were and could someone please tie them for him.

Many times I've tried to convince myself that it didn't really matter when in the day I spent time with God, as long as I was having a connection with Him at some point.  But honestly, now that I've been experiencing the joy of victory in this area, I can wholeheartedly say that there's no other way I'd rather start my day.

Just like this old song says (beautifully arranged and sung by Michael Card in the video below),
"I will arise and go to Jesus.  
He will embrace me in His arms. 
In the arms of my dear Savior, 
Oh, there are ten thousand charms!"

I am LOVING the embrace of my Savior that I feel every morning.  And all I have to do to get it is...

...arise!

So, Davene, Are You Arising?

Been waking up every day for your time with God?  Hopping out of bed when your 7:00 alarm rings?  Lingering under the covers until the chimes go off repeatedly?  Forgetting to even turn on your alarm clock?  Is your one-word goal for 2012 making any difference at all for you??

I'm so glad you asked!  ;-)  Actually, this week has been a smashing success as far as getting up on time and consistently having time with God first thing.  I realize that just because I've made it eight days with this new habit does not mean that I'll easily make it 18 or 80; the euphoria of a successful beginning does not necessarily lead to long-term victory.  But it IS a victory, and I'll take it.  :)

As I look back over this week, I'm actually surprised--in the very best kind of way--by how easy it's been to get up every morning.  I have found such joy in this!  To get up before the boys, quietly come downstairs, maybe get a cup of hot tea, settle onto the couch with my Bible and devotional book, and dig into God's Word--oh, it's been wonderful.  Several days, Josiah woke up soon after me; but he, too, quietly came downstairs and got his Bible.  "Can I sit next to you?" he's asked; and of course, I make room for him on the couch and enjoy the preciousness of having my firstborn soaking up the Word while I do the same.  A time or two, David has awoken before Josiah; and when he comes down, he is eager to snuggle with me (such a cuddle bug!)...and I enjoy the preciousness of those moments, too.

If I remember correctly, only once this week did I miss getting up at the first ring and didn't arise until the second one.  One day I didn't even consciously hear the first ring, but Jeff did, and he kissed me, and then I woke up and arose from my bed.  :)  Two mornings, when I've been especially tired, I've gotten up, had my quiet time, then laid down on the couch and gone back to sleep.  I always feel a little sheepish when that happens; and when Jeff discovers me snoozing, I want to insist, "But I did have my quiet time!!"  :)

So far this week, I've read two short books of the Bible that I studied in more detail last year:  2 Timothy and Malachi.  Besides that, I've been reading some Psalms and have been using those prayers as inspiration for my own prayers for my children.  And what's more, I did indeed start reading Ordinary Faithful People and studying the book of Ruth.  I am loving it!

Amazingly, I actually look forward to my 7:00 a.m. wake-up and feel almost selfish and jealous when it comes to my time with God.  I want to guard it like a pirate guards his treasure.  I'm not sure how this discipline so quickly transitioned from something I was dreading to something I'm enthralled with, but I'm guessing the Source of All Strength had something to do with it.  ;-)

This is what I look forward to each morning:

 This is my time; this is my place; this is my refuge; this is my garden where refreshment is served and growth occurs.

When I think of the word "arise," the verses from the Bible that immediately pop into my head come from Song of Songs 2: 10-13, where the beloved woos his chosen one.  To my delight, I feel as if God has been using that word and those verses to woo my heart closer to His this week.  As you can imagine, it feels so good.

Have you heard Michael Card's rendition of these verses?  I love this song so much that I even chose to have it in our wedding (fortunately for me, Jeff didn't have much opinion about what music we had in our wedding, so I got to fulfill my musical desires there--even including a piece in German and one in Hebrew).  :)  My talented sister-in-law Lori sang this song; and because it's my 2012 theme verse, I've been hearing it in my head a lot this week.  Here it is on YouTube; but don't be alarmed if no pictures show up during the playing of it.  Apparently there are no pictures with it, just the audio.


So, to answer the original question, I am, by God's grace, indeed arising.  And I can hardly wait to do it again tomorrow morning.  ;-)

How to Begin

There is a clock on my nightstand.  It's not a traditional alarm clock, but that's why I like it.  This one gives one lovely chime at the time for which the alarm is set, and then it waits.  If not turned off, it gives another chime a few minutes later, then again waits.  The increments of time between chimes decrease until, finally, if the owner of the alarm clock doesn't respond, the chiming is constant.  I know that because I've experienced it a *few* times.  ;-)  This morning only took one chime to get me out of bed.  Can I do the same again tomorrow morning?

The other reason I like this clock is because of a change I made to it.  Along one of the sides, I taped a poem by Gunilla Norris, hoping that as I sleepily fumble for the "off" switch on the back of the clock, my fingers will brush this paper and I'll be reminded of the words on it.

What words?  These words...

Awakening

First thought--as in "first light"--

let me be aware that I waken in You.

Before I even think that I am in my bed

let me think that I am in You.

Eyes crusted over, mouth dry,

my creature self feels so inert and dumb.

Let me be aware that these words

searching toward You into consciousness

are also coming from You.

You are waking me out of this sleepiness

into awareness that my life, my thoughts,

my body, my tasks, my loves, passions,

and sorrows are gifts from You,

to be discovered and received this day.

Each hour wake me further to find You.

Let me relish in You, exult in You,

play in You, be faithful in You.

Let me be wholly present

to living the gift of time.

Help me to feel that tremendous, unrelenting joy

which is Your constancy

and which will not let any of us go.

Wake me to You.

If I could retrain my mind so that my first consciousness of God comes when I first wake, rather than at some later point in the morning, maybe when taking a shower or when moving clothes from the washer to dryer or opening the book of James to review memory verses with the boys...if I could make even this small change this year, what a victory it would be!  This is my place to begin.

My One Word Goal for 2012

I've already confessed, in a post written on the first day of this month-that-I-can't-believe-is-over-already (hello? December? why'd you go by so fast??), my near failure at choosing a theme word for each year--and more importantly, letting that word have any meaningful impact on my life during that time period.  For example, my word for 2011 was supposed to be Less; but did that change how I lived this year?  Not so much.

But "hope springs eternal," and I've optimistically decided to try again with this whole idea of a theme word.  After much thought, prayer, and even some discussion with Jeff, I've chosen a word:

Arise.

At its most basic level, this word reminds me to do something truly profound and soul-stirring:  get up in the morning.  ;-)  I told you it was profound.  :)

But seriously, if there is one thing--just one--that I could change about myself and how I live it would be to wake up earlier in the morning so that I could consistently have time with God first thing, before children awake and the busy day begins.  For some people, this is a piece of cake; and if that's so for you, I hereby give you permission to laugh (kindly) at me.  But let me tell you, this is SO HARD for me.

I am a night person through and through.  Almost every single night, I stay up later than I should; and I only go to bed because I make myself do it.  I feel like my brain comes alive at night; my creative energy surges; and the peace and quiet of my home give me the opportunity to think and write and simply enjoy being awake.  I never wake up in the morning before I have to.  I never bounce up and think, "What a wonderful morning!  I can't wait to get up and enjoy it!"  I always stay in bed until little voices call for me to come and help them with something.

I desperately want this to change.

Like so many other women, I have such a strong sensation of time rushing by so quickly.  I know that I am not using my time as wisely as I could and am, in essence, wasting this most precious of gifts.  I'm not suggesting that every minute must be consumed with frantically running around being "productive," because there is certainly a time and place for slowing down and relaxing.  But I know that the stress I constantly feel from the "there is too much to do, and I'll never be able to get it all done!" mindset could be and should be lessened by a wise, disciplined use of my time.  How many times have I heard, "God gives us enough time for what He wants us to do"? and of course, I agree with that.  Unfortunately, I haven't learned to live it out like I want to.

I know, without a doubt, that the key to my whole schedule is the time I awake and the activity I do first thing.    For the former, it must be earlier than it has been, and the latter must be time with my Lord.

You can laugh at me further when I say that the wake-up time that I'm shooting for is 7:00 a.m.  For some of you, that's ridiculously late.  But for me, whose habit is to go to bed every night after midnight (and sometimes quite a bit after midnight) and whose fatigue is heightened by this dear one growing inside me, aiming for 7:00 is aiming for the moon.  I need God's help to propel me there, because I'll never make it on my own.

As strange as it may sound, if I knew that God wanted us to adopt a couple of kids this year, I would have more faith about that undertaking than I do about me habitually getting up early in the morning.  If I could see into the future and knew that God would ask us to move to the deepest jungles of Africa, I would feel more confident about that venture than I do about my "simple" wake-up-at-7:00-a.m.-for-a-quiet-time project.  I suppose the reason is that I've never experienced adoption or jungle life in Africa, so it's easy for me to feel faithful about those tasks (remember, I'm generally optimistic).  But this desire to wake up early and spend time with God is one that has been in my heart for YEARS; and sometimes I've had success, but overall, I have a history of failing in this area.  Failure, failure, failure.  I feel it stamped all over me, and it even makes me tremble to post this and admit my lack of victory in this area.

I've tried so many times to change this about myself.  I have made resolutions and plans and goals and had high dreams, but I always fall back into my stay-up-too-late-and-sleep-in-too-late-and-then-be-rushed mode of living.  If nothing else in my life changes in 2012, I so much want this one (hugely significant) area to change.

Already I feel challenged by this, and it's only the morning of January 1st I'm thinking about!  After all, I'm committed to stay up until midnight tonight.  Josiah and David have been eagerly awaiting this special night to stay up late and ring in the new year.  After they finish watching a movie, I'll play games with them until we wake up a sleeping daddy on the couch a few minutes before midnight, then go outside to bang pots and pans and set off firecrackers.  The tradition must be kept.  :)  But then I'll scurry off to bed and hope for a successful morning waking.  My Bible will be laid out for me, my cup of hot tea will be ready, just awaiting the hot water being poured into it, my alarm will be set, my new cozy robe will be handy to wrap up in during the chill of the morning.  I'll do everything I know to do to make this happen.

But I am dead serious when I say I can't do this without His strength.  If 2012 brings victory in this area, it will only be because of His hand working within me to transform me more into the likeness of His Son who, "very early in the morning, while it was still dark...got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed" (Mark 1:35).

With His help, even I can learn to...

...ARISE!!