Mental Jolts

Jolt #1

Josiah was describing a lady to me, one of the librarians that we see on a fairly regular basis.  When he off-handedly said, "Oh, she has about the same amount of gray in her hair as you do," I think my whole body jerked.  I really had NO IDEA that I had that much gray!  Maybe he was talking about a different lady than the one I was thinking of!  :)

To tell you the truth, I'm well aware that I'm going gray, and I'm not (much) surprised by it.  Based on my family history with my mother and her mother (and probably her mother, too, although I'm not certain how far back this trend goes) graying prematurely, I fully expected to go gray.  When I first spotted a gray hair or two popping out of my head (years ago), I plucked them.  Then I realized that I'd really rather have gray hair than no hair, so I stopped removing them.  ;-)

Now I feel fairly peaceful about the color change of my hair; but even still, it was a jolt to see myself through my son's eyes for a moment and realize that he's quite aware of my not-inconspicuous gray!  :)

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Jolt #2

It occurred to me recently that I am currently the age that my mother was when I first began to have lasting memories of her.  Soon my daughter will began to have lasting memories of me.

That stopped me short.

Will Moriah view me how I viewed my mother?

I remember how patient my mother seemed.  I don't remember her raising her voice at us children.  Will Moriah remember the edge I get in my voice sometimes, or will I conquer this monster before that?

Without diving into body image issues too much, I'll simply say that I remember how my mother's body looked.  I remember the restraint she showed in what she ate, even when offered nonpareils, her favorite candy.  :)  I remember the dresses she wore, with a thin belt circling her waist.  I remember the softness of her body, years removed from the firmness of youth.

Does the mother's body that Moriah sees resemble that one?

On the inside, I still feel like I'm about 25 years old.

On the outside, I'm becoming my mother--the mother I remember from my childhood.

How can this be?

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Jolt #3

I've been reading the book Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry to Josiah and David as part of our beloved Sonlight curriculum this year.  :)  One day last week, I read the part where Cassie goes shopping in the town of Strawberry for the first time and encounters blatant (horrible, heart-rending, makes-me-want-to-throw-up) racism.  I seriously get so mad while I'm reading that book; I want to punch something (someone!).

Later that evening, Moriah and I went to Walmart after supper to pick up some things; and while we were there, a black couple happened to be in the coffee aisle with us.  While I was looking on the shelves for my favorite kind of french vanilla cappuccino mix, they started talking to Moriah who happily smiled and waved back to them.  We chatted for a minute or two, then each went our separate ways; but the contrast between that encounter and the environment in Roll of Thunder rocked me.

When I read books, I get so engrossed in them that I often feel like I'm a part of them (and sometimes I have to very consciously remind myself of the reality around me!) ;-).  That shopping incident gave me a jolt--the very best kind of jolt!--as it reminded me of how much has changed in the past 80 years.  I am SO grateful to live here and now when those kinds of issues are largely in the past!

(And yet, I realize that racism, in various forms, still exists in certain places with certain people in America--and around the world.  It's a condition of sinful human hearts, and I'm not denying that.  However, much HAS changed, and I do appreciate how American society as a whole has grown in this area, even during my parents' lifetime.)

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Jolt #4

Although I haven't written about it yet (it's still on my lengthy list of things I plan to blog about!), my unofficial theme verse for the year is 2 Peter 1:3, "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."

A few days ago, I was "complaining" to the Lord, letting Him know that He had promised to give me everything I need for life and godliness, but obviously He wasn't doing it because couldn't He tell that I was overwhelmed and that I was sinking under the demands of everything I need to do and that it was completely laughable that He--or anyone else--ever thought I could actually fulfill this role of loving wife, stay-at-home mom of five, homeschooler, daughter/caregiver, cook, maid, and washerwoman?!

As still as a whisper, He spoke to my heart:  "Davene, is it possible that my plan for your life and godliness looks nothing like your to-do list?"

Suddenly, I was speechless...