I Want Benjamin to Know...

...that I am so, so glad he's a boy.

I don't know if the thought will ever flit through his head that, with already having four boys but only one girl, we might have been hoping he was a girl.  Many people we encounter seem to think that!  ;-)  But if he ever wonders, I hope he knows unequivocally that I am completely happy that God made him a boy.  Really, truly, 100% happy!

It's been many, many years since it happened; but I still remember the day that a teacher of mine during my middle school years told my class--in a "this is AWESOME and shows the power of God" kind of way--that my brother and I were miracle babies and were unplanned.  That was the first I had heard of it!  Even though I KNEW my parents loved me incredibly, I still had a moment's hesitation upon hearing the news that I was unplanned.  To wipe away my insecurity, I asked them, "When did you start wanting me?  I know you love me now, and I've never doubted that; but since I was unplanned, did it take you a while to get used to the idea of having me and to actually want me?"

My mother's response was swift: "We wanted you the instant we knew of your existence."

My fears were assuaged, my heart was soothed, and I continued through life, confident in my parents' feelings for me.

I hope if Benjamin ever questions my feelings about him being a boy, I'll be able to ease his mind as quickly and effectively as my mother eased mine.  And so tonight, as I celebrate the three months that have passed since his birth, I sit and write, trying to express my thoughts in such a way as to erase any anxiety he might someday have about his place in our family and our hearts.

Benjamin, I LOVE who God made you to be.

I LOVE the fact that you are a boy.

When we only had five children and were wanting another, it wasn't because we were lamenting the absence of a second daughter.  It's because God knew that He had planned YOU for us, and there was a hole in my heart until you filled it.

You are PERFECT for our family, and I am head-over-heels, crazy in love with you.

The honor of seeing you grow up into a mighty man overwhelms me when I consider the fact that God chose me to be your mom and watch you grow.  I am so grateful that you are MY son; but what's more, I am so grateful that you are my SON.

If you ever doubt, please know deep in your heart that I am so, so, so, so, so, so glad you are a boy!!!!!!  :)