The Day We Moved My Mom

August 28, 2014.  The day I had been dreading--sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously--for years.  The day we moved my mother into a nursing home.

It was a day blanketed in peace and covered with grace.  In reality, it was a day that turned out to be easier than I ever thought possible (sound familiar?).  :)

Let me start this account of my mom's big move by saying that in general, I have been doing fine with all of this; but once in a while, grief has welled up and threatened to overwhelm me.  It's always worse when it's combined with something else: stress of some sort, or other grief triggers, or things like that; and the part about it that I hate the most is that it often manifests itself through grouchiness towards my kids.  There have been a few times that I have been an absolute bear with them, but I've learned to recognize that the sharpness of my tongue in those cases is related to the pain in my heart because of my mom.  That does NOT make it OK (but it is helpful to realize the connection), and I've needed to apologize to my children for being so impatient and grumpy.  I'd much rather go cry my eyes out in the shower (and maybe I've done that a time or two) ;-) than be sharp-tongued with my kids, because I abhor the damage done to them by this crazy manifestation of mourning.  I need more of God's Spirit to help me be self-controlled, that's for sure.  :(

Aside from that however, I have felt an amazing sense of buoyancy as I've felt myself lifted by the prayers of so many dear people who care.  Here's something I wrote on Facebook last night...

On this memorable day--the day we moved Mom into a nursing home--want to know the song that was running through my head when I woke up? It was--oddly--this. I think it's kind of random that this song would be the soundtrack for my waking thoughts today; but then again, with its message of caring for each other, maybe it was the perfect choice.

"If the sky comes falling down for you,
there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do."

If there's one thing I've felt during this challenging week, it's cared for. Supported. Loved. Prayed for. Lifted up. Surrounded by strong arms to hold me up.

Of course it's always wonderful to hear that people are praying for me; but during this time, I've been especially moved by that...and not just in the sense of "wow, I appreciate that person praying for me," but also because I feel so loved BY GOD when He moves the hearts of people to pray, at just the right time.

Three examples:

A friend named Kathie commented on a previous post that she woke up this morning thinking about me and praying for us. She didn't even know this was the move-in day, but God pricked her heart to be in prayer, and she obeyed.

On Monday evening (I think that's right), my aunt Joyce in Canada was praying in a group for this situation; and she got choked up (my mom is her sister after all, so she feels the grief of this deeply, too) and couldn't continue her prayer. Her daughter-in-law's mother (I think!) jumped right in and began to pray for us, covering the whole situation in prayer...all the way from British Columbia.

Gail, a friend I've known since we began kindergarten together(!) "happened" to see my parents and I in our big white van on Wednesday afternoon as we were moving some of Mother's things into her new room. She immediately began to pray specifically for us, and I am moved almost to tears simply by the thought that not only does Gail care about us, but also God cares so much. How kind of Him to arrange for an "old" friend to "happen" to see us and pray hard, right at that moment when we were walking into the nursing home.

"What if I'm far from home?
Oh brother, I will hear you call.
What if I lose it all?
Oh sister, I will help you out!"

Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't an accident that such a crazy song was in my head first thing this morning!!

It's a little "dangerous" to start mentioning specific people, because I might--and probably will--leave out someone that really should have been mentioned!  But I decided to share those three examples above, just as a sample of how so many kind souls have been so encouraging and supportive.  What a gift it's been to be surrounded by such love!

With that intro, let me jot down what this week has been like, in regards to Mother's move.  Dad and I had talked some about what we needed to take to the nursing home, and I had helped him mark Mom's clothes with her name, as requested by the home.  Then on Wednesday, we three, my parents and I, loaded some things--clothes, pictures for the walls, a rocking chair for her room--into the big white van and drove the 9 miles or so to the nursing home to begin the move-in process.

Although there had been times prior to this that the topic of her move to the nursing home came up in conversation, Wednesday was the first day that I personally had talked very much with her about it.  According to Dad's testimony, she had never gotten upset at all about it when he had talked with her in the preceding weeks; and I had certainly never seen any agitation in her spirit about it.  So it was on this day.  As we talked about this transition, she said once that it would be really "different" to live in the nursing home; and another time she used the word "happy" to describe herself in her new setting.  But verbal communication is difficult enough with her at this stage that it was hard for me to feel like I was getting any kind of clear picture of her thoughts about the move--and indeed, did she even comprehend at all what was really going on, that this was a permanent change?  However, despite our lack of ability to talk deeply about it, I was still greatly comforted by the fact that she didn't seem upset or anxious or unhappy in the least.

The move-in process went fine on Wednesday, and I was reminded again of how wonderful the staff is in the Alzheimer's unit.  Just one example: Sarah, the director of the program, spent a good bit of time with us that afternoon; and she was quick to reach out and put her arm around Mom and give her a little hug when appropriate.  My mom is affectionate enough that I think she would starve emotionally without that kind of loving touch; and since we won't be around to provide as much of that as we used to, I'm thankful that others will be.

Another thing that stands out in my memory from that afternoon was an encounter between my mother and one of the other residents.  My mom went over to where this lady was sitting and told her how beautiful her blue eyes were.  The lady perked up and was obviously thrilled to be given that compliment, and she and my mother started talking.  At one point in the conversation, my mom even leaned over and gave the woman a kiss on the forehead, which was very sweet, and it reminded me of what a blessing my mom will be in that setting as she shines the love of Jesus in a challenging situation.  But what really made me laugh (to myself) ;-) was the conversation between this other lady and my mom.  I can't duplicate it at all, but trust me when I say that it made very little sense; and I thought, "Oh my!  What kind of outrageous conversations do these caregivers hear in this setting where they have 14 memory-impaired individuals living together??"  :)

I didn't shed any tears at the nursing home that day; and after we finished our tasks over there, we drove home together to share in another "last" (this week has been full of them!): the last meal at home before her move.  Whenever I get too melancholy about these milestones, I remind myself that it will certainly not be the last time we eat together, nor the last time she's in our home, nor the last time for much of anything!  Lord willing, we will have many more years of precious times together.

When Thursday morning came, I called Dad to tell him that I would be a little later getting to the nursing home than I had originally planned.  You see, Mother needed a cover for her bed (the nursing home would have provided one if we didn't, but it would have been plain, and I wanted a pretty one for Mom); and since it's a single bed, we didn't have one here at home.  I really, really wanted to go to a local farmer's market to get a quilt for my mother; and the market didn't open until 10:00, which happened to be the time of Mom's admission to the home.  I knew my dad wouldn't mind if I was a little late, but I didn't tell him exactly what errand I needed to do.

It might be a little silly; but to me, choosing this quilt for my mom was highly significant, especially because when I went off to college long ago, my mother helped me choose a pretty comforter for my bed there.  That ol' circle of life was turning again, and I was glad to get to do for my mother what she had done for me.

I purposely took the kids along with me on Thursday, although I knew my neighbor would have gladly watched them if I had wanted her to.  But not only did I want my kids to see their grandma's new living situation, I also thought it would be easier for me to deal with things emotionally if I had the distraction of children to care for.  :)

So it wasn't just me walking into the market to select a quilt, and whatever sad emotions I might have felt about this task I was doing were pushed aside by the brightness and curiosity and joy of my children.  Tobin, especially, was excited to be there, because just down from the shop where I got the quilt is a shop that sells saddles; and since he plans to be a cowboy, he wants to buy a saddle.  After looking them over while I looked over the quilts, he chose the one he liked best; and then, as soon as we got home later that day, he started finding extra odd jobs to do around here so he could earn money to save up for his saddle.  :)  I'm drifting from the story of my mom's move by including this, but I will mention here that in the past three days, he has taken so much initiative to help me in various ways: things like cleaning mirrors and windows, cleaning the railings of the stairs, vacuuming, making beds, picking up wood chips, taking out trash, setting the table, cleaning the toilets, putting toys away, helping with dishes, etc.  It's been amazing.  :)  But back to Thursday...

As I walked out of the market, Moriah in my arms and boys around me, an older couple was approaching; and as we neared them, I gave them a quick glance and smile.  It did my heart good to see them notice my children and hear the gentleman say, "That's the best part of life."  He wasn't talking about the quilt I had just bought.  ;-)

We drove the short distance to the nursing home, found a parking spot, and then entered the facility; and then came the only moment that brought tears to my eyes.  As we walked into the common area of the Gardner Wing, I immediately saw that my mother was sitting at the piano, playing some hymn arrangements.  As the music filled the air, my kids ran to her, saying, "Grandma! Grandma! I love you, Grandma!"  She interrupted her playing to put her arms around them and give them big hugs.  The combination of hearing beautiful music, seeing the love between my children and my mom, and feeling my mom's new quilt in my arms did me in; and I had to pause to let some emotion escape around my eyeballs.  ;-)  No big surprise there.  :)

The rest of the time was extremely pleasant.  My kids, especially Moriah, charmed the residents and staff (I mean, seriously, who can resist a sweet little two-year-old in a pretty flowered dress who holds a pink stuffed dog and gives you a big smile as she pats your hand?); and I caught a vision for how my family can reach out to the other residents when we go to visit my mom and bring a bit of sunshine to hearts that may be lonely.

It reminded me of the regular visits Josiah and I made to an old lady, Ralia, in a nursing home in Tel Aviv when we lived in Israel.  I think she really enjoyed our visits, but she wasn't the only one: all the residents on that floor seemed to perk up when Josiah came through the door.  I particularly remember one man who didn't really talk to anybody, but he was so happy to play cars with Josiah when we came.  I truly hope we can extend our love and caring to other residents in my mom's new home, not just to my mom.

The first thing I wanted to do there was show my kids Grandma's new room, and they enjoyed seeing where she'll be staying ("she has a bathroom!" and "look, there's her toothbrush!" and "I remember that picture!" were some of the comments they said).  :)  And then I showed them the other features of that area of the nursing home: we looked at the birds they have in a wonderful, large, glassed-in area, we admired paintings on the wall, we walked around the porch and courtyard area and smelled the roses, etc.  After that, I pulled out some activity books I had brought along; and let whoever wanted to, get one of those and start working.  My parents had some things they needed to be doing for the admissions process; but eventually they came and sat down with us, too.

I didn't take very many pictures that day; and in fact, I was strongly tempted to not take my camera.  But in the end, I decided I wanted a picture of the quilt, so I grabbed my camera and took it along.  I certainly didn't snap many photos though, but here's a sample of how that time went.

When the time came to leave (my dad stayed longer to eat lunch with my mom, but I needed to bring the kids home), I was not emotional, which may be a surprise to those who know me.  ;-)  To tell you the truth, in the preceding weeks, as I had thought how that day would unfold, I had really expected to cry all the way home; but after being there with Mother and seeing how peaceful she was and how kind the caregivers were, I didn't feel the need to mourn this next step like I thought I would.  And like I said before, I had kids there to be an effective distraction for me.  :)

I was curious, of course, to hear how things went for Dad when he said goodbye to her, and I sort of expected some anguish; but he reported that everything went just fine; and the next day when he went to visit her, he found her in good spirits--her same cheerful, content, peaceful, warm self.  I think my mother has learned the secret of Philippians 4:12!

Today Dad got Mom and took her to her hair appointment, then brought her out here.  She is actually spending the night at home with him because their church is having service out at a camp tomorrow, and it will be easier for them to go out to that if he doesn't have to go pick Mom up at the nursing home first.  It was GOOD to have Mom in the circle around our supper table tonight; and for her first meal at home after her move, I made old-fashioned macaroni and cheese the way she always used to make it when I was growing up; plus, we had tomato sandwiches and fresh watermelon from our garden and a bowl of cut-up peaches.  Such a country supper.  ;-)

I know that this Alzheimer's journey is far from over, and I fully expect some truly difficult steps to be coming in the future.  But this--oh my, what a relief to have this transition over!  I've thought a number of times that we are so blessed to have such good care for Mother: first, with the home health aides who were so helpful during the past several months while Mother was still at home, and now with the Alzheimer's unit of this nursing home.

During what has been one of the most challenging times of my life, blessing upon blessing has been poured out.  Even though I never wanted things to end up this way (and even now, I would want my mom's Alzheimer's taken away in an instant if I could!), I'm reminded that God's ways are higher than our ways.

And seen from the right perspective, His ways are always, always good.