What We're Hoping For

"Are you hoping for a girl?"

If we had a dollar for every time someone, after noticing our all-boy tribe, has asked us that through the years,  we'd likely have enough money to pay off our upcoming hospital bill in cash.  It's no surprise that we get asked that a lot, I don't get offended by it and I certainly understand it, but as you can imagine, it sometimes gets a bit wearisome to have to answer it all over again.  If you're reading this and you happen to be someone who has asked us that in the past, please don't worry and please don't think I'm picking on you.  I don't have anyone in particular in mind as I write this, believe me.  :)  But just so you know, here is our answer...

We're hoping for a baby.

Simple enough, right?  ;-)

Jeff, in his job as a barber, is doomed to endlessly repeated shallow conversations.  As each new person enters the shop and sits down in his chair, there are often the same comments and questions spoken each time, punctuated occasionally by deeper conversations--often of a spiritual nature--that are much more rewarding than the standard fare of talk about the weather, the upcoming election, and the approach of hunting season.  He has probably gotten the "are you hoping for a girl?" question just as much as I have, if not more; and he takes the lighthearted approach when answering.  He might shake his head and say something like, "I can't afford a girl!  We have all the boy clothes and toys already, so it doesn't cost much to have another boy.  But a girl would be too expensive!"  And his customers chuckle and perhaps, if they are fathers of daughters, smile in understanding.

When I am asked the question, usually by random people at the grocery store or new acquaintances at church, I try to give the kind of answer that shows the questioner that we value all life, whether male or female, and that we're not necessarily hoping for a girl because we are so aware of what a wonderful gift any baby is and we're grateful for whatever God chooses to bless us with, etc.  In many of these situations, my boys have been standing right there; and how do they feel hearing scores of people ask if we want a girl?  My first concern is not answering the inquiry of the person who just asked, but it is protecting the hearts of my sons and building them up in the confidence that they are so loved and wanted.   I feel fairly certain that they are convinced of that fact, but I so hope that none of them will ever feel like, "Oh, Mom and Dad must have really wanted a girl, and they were disappointed when they found out I was a boy."  Perish the thought!

On a deeper level though, I will admit to having had times through the past 10 child-bearing years when I longed for a daughter.  Sometimes this was prompted by nothing more significant than seeing cute little girl outfits and thinking about dressing up my own daughter someday.  Sometimes it was the thought, "What would our girl look like?  I know what our boys look like, but what would our daughter's appearance be?"  Sometimes I envisioned how much fun it would be to do womanly things together, like teaching her to cook and make a home--and how rewarding it would be to see her grow up and bless her husband and children by excelling in those areas.  Sometimes I remembered how special and meaningful my own relationship with my mother has been through the years, and I grew sad at the possibility of never being able to duplicate that with a daughter.  Yes, I have longed for a girl.

One of the times that hit my heart the hardest was when we had the ultrasound and found out that Tobin was a boy--NOT that I was sad that he was a boy!--but during that, the ultrasound tech told us about how the vast majority of families that get started with one gender continue with that and never have the other.  Although I know she didn't mean to discourage us, it was disheartening to hear say essentially (although not in so many words) that, in her opinion, we would never have a girl.  I rejoiced in Tobin; and from the start, I have adored that boy.  But I didn't want to lose hope of having a daughter, despite the predictions of an experienced ultrasound technician!  What helped me overcome those feelings of discouragement was remembering that--DUH!--she doesn't control our future.  God does.  And if He wants to bless us with a daughter, He is undoubtedly able to do that!

After Shav, I didn't know if we would have more children, so apparently I wrestled a little with the possibility of a daughterless family because sometime during the past two years, I had a conversation with a close friend in which I disclosed my feelings to her.  To be honest, I don't even remember that conversation.  Early on in this pregnancy, she reminded me of it and asked how I was feeling about things, and I had to laugh because that talk with her and those feelings I was dealing with had totally slipped from my mind!  :)

As I think back, however, I do remember one more clue that indicates to me that sometimes I did wrestle with wanting a daughter.  Sometimes when I would hear of someone (no one comes to mind specifically, so again, I'm not talking about any particular person or family) who had all boys and then had a girl (or vice versa), I would think, "Wow, how did they do that?  What makes them so special that God blessed them in that way?  How did they accomplish it?  Why haven't we?"  I feel sheepish even writing that--ashamed to admit that I struggled with a lack of gratitude and trust in God's plan.  But my goal is honesty, even when it doesn't make me look good at all.

Coming back to the present and how I've felt during this pregnancy, I am glad to say that I have had a much deeper level of peace about accepting whatever God chooses to give us.  I would be thrilled to have another boy!!!  Although I, during my pre-baby years, never imagined myself as a mom of only sons, I feel like I've slipped into that role fairly comfortably, accepting and even welcoming the noise and energy and enthusiasm and silliness (not to mention, weapons!) that boys bring to a family.  Because I love my four sons so very much, I know that I would quickly grow to love another one just as passionately--and in fact, that deep love is already growing and is quite strong.  So, a boy would be welcomed wholeheartedly!  Besides, I LOVE the boy's name that we've chosen, and it would really be a shame to never get a chance to use it.  ;-)

I think, too, that after a woman experiences a miscarriage, her perspective changes dramatically.  This is a hypothetical situation I'm about to present, but I think it strikes at the heart of the matter.  When a couple is first trying to conceive, there are all kinds of dreams and visions about who that baby will be, when he/she will arrive, and what he/she will be like.  For example, "oh, I really, really hope that we get pregnant with a girl...and she'll be born in the fall...maybe on October 24 which is her grandmother's birthday...and the baby will have blue eyes...and gorgeous curly hair!"  Then, when several months go by and nothing happens, the thoughts might change to this:  "I really, really hope we get pregnant soon so we can have a baby this year...a Christmas baby would be fun...we could name her Noelle!"  When more time goes by with no positive pregnancy test, more and more of the dreams are cast aside until finally, the prayer simply becomes, "Lord, please let us have a baby."

If that happens to a "normal" couple with no miscarriage involved, how much more does it happen to a couple who has lost a pregnancy?  No longer do they try to dictate whether it's a boy or a girl, when that child is born, and who it resembles, but after a heartbreaking brush with the fragility of life, they are simply grateful if the womb is opened again and a baby begins to grow.  Experiencing death makes us appreciate life--any life.

It happened to us.  After we had Josiah (a son! wonderful!) and David (a little brother for our first son! they'll be buddies! fantastic!), we began to think that it would be really nice to have a girl.  One of my aunts told us, through the family grapevine, about a scientific way of determining whether a couple has a boy or girl; in brief, it involved the timing of ovulation and the speed at which girl-producing sperm travel v. the speed of boy-producing sperm...blah blah blah...  I won't get any more specific than that.  But apparently this "method" was discovered by some pioneers in the fertility movement, and my aunt used it to get exactly what she wanted in her family, and it worked.  So we tried it.

Sure enough, after a few months, I got pregnant!  Hurrah!  And then, at just 7 and 1/2 weeks, I lost the baby.  Of course, it was far too early to tell if it was indeed a girl; but the lesson I learned (one of them anyhow) was to trust.  Trust God in all areas of life.  Trust Him in the big things; trust Him in the small things.  And for sure, trust Him to give you what He knows is best for your family.

I never felt like the miscarriage was God's judgment on us for trying to take matters in our own hands, but it was a perspective-changing shift that I've never forgotten.  After that, I much more humbly prayed, "God, we'd love to have a baby.  Any baby.  Anytime.  Just give us what You know we need.  And if we never have a girl, I trust that You have a reason for that; and it's OK...even if I never understand here on earth."

As we are only 9 days away from our much-anticipated ultrasound, my thoughts have circled back to the boy/girl question many times recently.  Honestly, I think this is a boy.  Not only does our family history point rather strongly to it ;-), but this pregnancy also feels SO MUCH like my other ones.  I fully expect that when the ultrasound tech turns on that screen and shows us our baby, we'll be waving hello to our fifth son.

I would be SHOCKED if it were a girl.  We'd be happy and excited, for sure, but it would probably take me a while (and some smelling salts!) to get used to the news.  ;-)

So, are we hoping for a girl?  Well, we're hoping for either a girl...or a boy.  Either one.  Really, any baby will do--as long as it's the one God has planned for us!

(And to answer the automatic follow-up comment, "As long as it's healthy, right?", feel free to click here to read my rant about this--and another rant that expands on the first.  These were written during Shav's pregnancy, but my thoughts haven't changed.  If the question "are you hoping for a girl?" comes across innocently enough to not ruffle my feathers at all, the comment, "as long as it's healthy," does do quite a bit of ruffling!  I'd better stop now, so I don't end up repeating all that I wrote in those previous posts.  I'm putting the soapbox away.  I'm not going to type anymore.  Good night!)  :)