Hope Deferred, Part Two

For part one, click here.

Fast forward to June 2011.  I knew there was a strong possibility that I was pregnant; and in my impetuosity, I took a pregnancy test before I should have.  I wasn't surprised by the negative answer, nor was I discouraged.  Hope was still strong.  But a few days later, I took another one, and again received a negative response.  "Hmmm...by this time, it really could have been positive.  Oh, well, I'll wait a few more days," I thought, "and test again."

That brings us to Sunday evening, June 26.  On our way home from Bible study, we stopped at Walmart "for a few things," and I furtively snuck a box of pregnancy tests into my cart.  All the way through the store as we continued to load items into the cart and all the way through the check-out area as we UNloaded items from the cart, I fervently hoped that none of the boys would notice that unfamiliar box and inquire further about its contents!  They didn't.  ;-)  But as soon as they were all in bed, I took the test, and the most beautiful sight appeared:  that second line in the window, indicating that I was pregnant.  I jubilantly took it downstairs and proudly showed it off to Jeff who was happy, too.  Happy, but cautious...as was I.  You see, that second line--the one I had been longing to see--was very faint.  It was there, but not dark, not obvious.  It didn't scream, "YOU ARE PREGNANT!"  It was more like a whisper, "Well...you might be."

My hope didn't die yet, partially because there was another pregnancy test left in the box, and I planned to wait a few days and take it.  Surely by then, the line would appear quickly and be dark and definitive, right?

I held off until Wednesday morning, then joyously woke up, eager to take the test and see proof of the exciting event occurring within me.  I could hardly wait to tell the world!  But again, a very faint line appeared. So much for proof.  "I guess I'll buy another box of pregnancy tests, and wait a few days to try again," I somewhat wearily thought.

Uncharacteristically for me, I hadn't breathed a word of this to anyone but Jeff.  Part of my reason for that was the caution we felt, based on the unconvincing pregnancy tests we'd seen; but another part of it was because of my intense delight at the thought of another baby.  It was delicious, having this secret that I'd only shared with Jeff.  I held my deep joy close to my heart; and although I "knew" that I would eventually enthusiastically share the news with anyone who would listen, I wasn't ready for that yet.

The first person I told was my college friend Lisa who was vacationing in the area and came over for dinner with her family on that Friday night.  The fact that she is pregnant made our conversation naturally turn to pregnancy-related issues; and as we stood by the swings pushing our boys higher and higher, I shared with her about our "mildly positive" pregnancy tests (I'd taken another one that morning, with the same faint result) and our concern that a miscarriage was fast approaching.

Sure enough.

Not too many hours after she was gone, the bleeding started; and any woman who has gone through it can remember what a sad, sad sight it is.  Life is gone.  Hope drains out.  Joy runs away.  The love remains without a doubt, but the dreams you already had for that child dissolve into nothing.  It is so very sad.

To be continued...