Hope Deferred, Part One

We were standing outside in the dark.  The fireworks our friend had set off in his annual Independence Day extravaganza were over, and all that remained to do was to gather our tired-but-happy children and walk down the hill to our minivan to set off for home.

But before we did that, an old family friend approached me.  A kind and dear lady, she greeted me warmly; and we chatted for a few moments as the other party-goers milled around, packing up folding chairs and collecting their dishes from the potluck feast enjoyed earlier.  And then she--remembering, I'm sure, two years ago when I was hugely pregnant with Shav during that Fourth of July gathering--remarked nonchalantly, "Well, at least you're not pregnant this year!"

But you see, I was.  Or had been, to be strictly accurate.

Of course, she didn't know that.  Of course, she didn't mean anything by her comment.  Of course, hurting me was the last thing in the world she would ever have wanted to do.  Little did she know that, even while she spoke, my body was losing its grip on a pregnancy and my heart was mourning the loss of a baby whom I very much wanted.

Four and a half years ago, I had a miscarriage; but the fact that it followed hard on the heels of an armed robbery here in our home dulled the edge of the figurative sword and diminished the pain I felt from that.  It sounds silly, but I can't think of better preparation for a miscarriage than having a masked gunman come to your door early one morning before dawn, holding your neighbor hostage and demanding money.  The incredibly huge wave of relief I felt when that crime ended without bloodshed continued through the next few days as I found out that, yes, what I had suspected was true and I was indeed miscarrying.  Having to say goodbye to that promise of life within me was made a thousand times easier because I did NOT have to say goodbye to my husband and our two sons.  Nevertheless, my heart ached; but I distinctly remember thinking, "My arms may feel empty, but in reality, they are still full.  My lap is full.  My heart is full.  I am blessed."

And now, here I am again:  feeling the emptiness of a missing one, reminding myself of the fullness of four precious sons, and making the choice to trust God's hand in all of it.  But even in the midst of faith, there are moments of mourning.

Because I know that I'll want to remember all the details when I'm 75 and telling my granddaughter about this miscarriage, let me pour out my thoughts now, before the details grow dim.

It was a dark December evening, about seven months ago, in a cozy Panera Bread restaurant when I shared my heart with Jeff and told him that I really would like to have another child.  He listened--compassionately, sensitively--but didn't say yes or no...kind of like what I did to him when he first asked me to marry him.  ;-)

The question of whether to have another child or not was HUGE.  It literally popped into my head every single day, and I tossed around all the angles I could think of as I deliberated which way to go with it.
~ Should we have another child?
~ Maybe four is enough; I certainly stay busy!  :)
~ But my heart longs for more.
~ But some women say they ALWAYS want more and the desire for another baby never goes away.
~ But children are a blessing.
~ But does that mean you should never take steps to prevent or delay pregnancy?
~ Maybe.  Some people think so.
~ But what about that "mysterious intersection between God's will and ours" that you sometimes talk about?  Doesn't God allow us to have a say in the decision-making process?
~ Well, maybe.  What criteria should we use to make this decision anyway?  How do we decide?
~ Lots of people use money to help them decide.  Are you sure you can afford another child?
~ Money, schmoney!  I never worry about that!  :)
~ Jeff does.
~ He's a man; that's his job.  ;-)  And besides, God HAS always provided for us and WILL always provide for us.  And what's more, our next baby would almost certainly be a boy and we've got lots of hand-me-down clothes and toys for him!  :)
~ Well, are you sure you want to go through sleep deprivation and all of that again?  Aren't you tired enough as it is?
~ Yes, I do get tired; but I can't think of a better reason to be tired than A BABY.
~ But what about the needs of your other children?  Don't you want to do a good job with them and be able to pour yourself into their lives?
~ Of course!  But God multiplies the love in a mother's heart as each child is added, and He gives her the grace and energy and creativity to meet the needs as they arise.  Besides, we're not talking about having a dozen more kids.  One more wouldn't be so hard, would it?
~ You never know.  ;-)
~ But the boys want another baby in our family!  They ask for one!
~ But do they realize what they're asking for?  Do they know how another baby would divide your time and attention further?
~ Maybe, maybe not.  But sibling relationships are so precious; and even if it is challenging to meet all their needs while they're young, as they grow up, they'll have each other.  When they're young adults and we're gathering together as a big family, I don't think I'll be wishing there were fewer of them.  And when I come to the end of my life, I really don't think I'll be saying, "Man, I sure wish I hadn't had that last child."

On and on the thoughts went.  I got really good at arguing with myself.  :)  But always, ALWAYS, I came back to this thought:  even though adding another child to the family now might challenge me and stretch me and exhaust me and stress me, I can't imagine that at the end of my life, I would regret having had that child.  Oh, I could be wrong.  I suppose the child could turn out to be some horrible criminal--a serial killer perhaps.  But I have the faith to believe that the child would NOT turn out that way, but would grow up to know and love and serve God, to be a fighter for righteousness and a defender of the truth, a well of compassion and mercy to those around him (or, improbably, her).

So, my mind grew peaceful and settled:  I wanted another child, if the Lord would be so gracious as to give us one.

I don't know all of Jeff's thoughts during these months of deliberation.  I have a strong hunch that he thought about it far less than I did!!  :)  But eventually our thinking was unified.

The funny thing is that it was really the first time we had ever had to make that decision...or maybe I should say, the first time we had ever had to think long and hard before we made that decision.  You see, when I met Jeff, he believed that birth control was wrong and that a couple should accept as many children as the Lord gave them.  That was a big shock to me; and even though I thought he was slightly crazy, I agreed to read A Full Quiver by Rick & Jan Hess.  After reading it, I realized that maybe he wasn't quite as crazy as I had once thought; however, by the time we got married, neither of us was thinking along the lines of the quiverfull mentality (after all, it's far easier for a single, celibate male to embrace the idea of no birth control than it is for a young couple about to be married but with no plans--or truthfully, desire--to have a dozen children).  We had devised a plan to wait five years before having children; and wouldn't you know, Josiah was born FIVE YEARS AND SIX DAYS after our wedding.  We couldn't have planned that if we tried.  ;-)

Oh, but that's right:  we DID plan, and we DID try!  But the whole story is a little more complicated.  Two and a half years into our marriage--on January 1, 2000, to be exact--Jeff suddenly woke up and said, "I'm ready to have a baby!"  WHAT???  What happened to our five-year plan?  Aren't you rushing things just a little bit, buddy?  We've still got two and a half years to go!!  :)

To make a long story short, we talked it over, prayed about it, got advice from Godly friends we trusted, and decided to go for it.  It was so exciting.  Until...four months passed, and NOTHING.  Then I got mono, and the doctor said ix-nay to the getting-pregnant plan.  After that, we were asked to quit our jobs and go into the full-time ministry, and we decided to make that transition without the added pressure of having a baby on the way.  The following year, we felt our way clear to pursue pregnancy, we conceived in our fifth month of trying which was very soon after the Sept. 11 attacks (along with quite a few other couples, so I hear), and Josiah was born the following June.

When I look back, I realize that the nine months total that we tried to get pregnant are minuscule compared with what so many other couples face as they deal with infertility.  A drop in the ocean.  But I still remember how long those months felt, how I ached for a child, and how I questioned God when others got pregnant and I didn't.  For example, my fifteen-year-old niece got pregnant during that time; and I cried out to God, "Why did you give her a child and not me?  This makes no sense!"

Eventually, of course, Josiah was born; and we rejoiced beyond imagining at the blessing of having a son.  At that point, there was never any question about whether we wanted another one.  Jeff's mother, who was an only child, urged us to have another one so that Josiah wouldn't grow up in the same lonely situation that she had; but she needn't have wasted her breath.  Of course we wanted another one!

After David was born, we again knew that we wanted more; and that's when we had our first miscarriage.  But God graciously opened my womb again, and I was several months pregnant with Tobin by the time my due date for the child who died rolled around.  And let me tell you, it was incredibly comforting to me that by that significant date, my body was already beginning to swell with new life.

If you've been reading my spilled thoughts for a while, you might already know that Shav was a total surprise for us.  Planned by God, given to us before we even thought to ask, Shav began to grow inside me when Tobin was only nine months old.  Talk about a shock!  But oh, what a wonderful one.  :)  Because of the short spacing between those two, we never had come to a decision about whether we would have another one (although I had begun to ponder it and move in the direction of adoption).  God obviously made that decision for us, and I LOVE His choice!  :)

I've run out of time, but not out of words (do I ever?)  ;-)  More later...