(Almost) Wordless Wednesday {THIS Is Why I Had a Birth Photographer}

To freeze in time a priceless moment that lasted only a second...

This is just one of many images I am eager to share, thanks to the talent of Robin Skievaski Photography.  More to come!!  :)

The Birth of Benjamin, Part Three **Updated**

For Part One, click here; and for Part Two, click here.

"The water is too hot," I immediately thought when I got in the tub, which probably means that the temperature was just right for "normal" people, but I had been hot for MONTHS, and being in labor did nothing to cool me down!  ;-)  AlexAnn quickly turned on the cold water and lowered the temperature to what felt pleasant to me, then asked me if I wanted the jets turned on which I did, and then I think she left the room after I got the bath to my liking.

Jeff was with me, of course, and was letting me grip his hand with my left hand.  I think my right hand was gripping a bar at the side of the tub.  It was all pretty intense, and I wasn't finding much relief because the contractions kept on coming one after the other with not much break in between.  If I had only known how close I was to giving birth, I would have been encouraged!  But as it was, I was feeling pretty challenged.

My thoughts are disjointed, but here are some remembrances that stand out to me...

Jeff had brought his phone into the bathroom, and I was so grateful for the music on it from my labor playlist.  Backing up a little, when we were first getting settled in the room, when one of the nurses walked into our room, she heard the song "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri playing on Jeff's phone and complimented us on our music choice.  :)  I think I responded with some remark about how eclectic my labor playlist was, and someday I'll do a blog post about all the songs I chose, but not today.  :)  I think the first or one of the first songs that started playing when Jeff turned it on was "To Whom It May Concern" by The Civil Wars, which begins, "Why are you so far from me?  In my arms is where you ought to be.  How long will you make me wait?  I don't know how much more I can take.  I miss you, but I haven't met you.  Oh, but I want to; how I do..." and so forth.  Perfect for the eager moments of anticipation before a birth.  :)  I also remember that at some point during labor, a barbershop quartet rendition of "When I'm Sixty-Four" started playing, and Jeff remarked about the barbershop quartet we heard at a family reunion earlier this summer.

At any rate, when I was in the jacuzzi, I remember hearing the song "O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus" by Selah; and it seemed that the song went on and on.  "What a long song this is!" I thought, which tells me that the amount of time that I thought was passing wasn't accurate at all.  :)  And indeed, when I found out the total time from when we checked into the hospital until he was born, I realized that truly, I had been wrong in my impression of time.  It all went much quicker than I thought it was happening.  :)

At this point, I had my eyes closed and was "in the zone," focused so completely on what was happening within me that I couldn't open my eyes and wasn't aware of much else that was occurring.  I do remember moving my feet so that the jets of water squirted on them, and Jeff teased me that I was getting a foot massage but wouldn't ever let him touch my feet (it's true--I hate people touching my feet).  ;-)  

I was making some sort of noise repeatedly--maybe a long "hmmmm" kind of thing, but I don't know for sure; Jeff's memory would be better than mine in regards to that.  ;-)  I remember him encouraging me to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth to help me calm down and focus, and I think I successfully did that--for a few breaths.  ;-)

The one thought that came to me from "out of my zone" was wondering if Robin, our friend and birth photographer, was there yet.  I'll write more about that later, but I was THRILLED that for this birth, we would have a birth photographer.  I knew with the timing of things, we hadn't given Robin much notice, and I was hoping that she would get there soon.  I knew from a text she sent Jeff that she was at the hospital, but as far as I could tell, she wasn't in the room yet, and I was eager for her to arrive.  I wondered if she hadn't been told what room I was in, but surely Jeff would have told her that, right?  (And of course, he had.)  :)

Earlier, before I got in the tub, AlexAnn had said when she heard Robin was coming, "I don't know if you know this, but Robin is quite a good doula.  I don't know if she would call herself that; but she has a wonderful, calming presence and is very encouraging."  Well, that made me even more eager for Robin to get there!

I didn't know she had arrived until a nurse came into the bathroom and wondered if I wanted covered with a towel for modesty reasons, so Robin could take pictures.  Yes, I certainly did.  :)  I don't even remember opening my eyes, but somehow a towel was draped over me as I lay back in the tub.  I heard Robin's voice, and indeed she was encouraging, telling me how well I was doing.  We didn't have much time to talk, but her calm, pleasant voice broke into my zone and helped me along in that moment, and I was grateful.

Then the weirdness started happening.  ;-)  During a contraction, I felt my body begin to push, entirely involuntarily.  I didn't say anything, and I don't think anyone noticed.  Actually, I think Jeff was the only one in the bathroom with me at that point, and I have no idea if he observed that something different was happening or not.  But neither one of us said anything.  I think I had another regular contraction or two--or maybe three, who knows?--and then my body did it again.

It was pushing, and I could no more stop it from doing that than I could stop the earth from spinning.

Let me interrupt myself for a moment to say that I had never really understood how a baby could be born in a car or in an elevator or in a hospital lobby or in any of the other places where babies are "accidentally" born.  My own cousin gave birth to a baby in a car on the way to the hospital, and a dear friend had one of her babies in their driveway before she could even get in the car.  So I know it happens, but I never really understood how.  Because, for me, pushing has always been A BIG DEAL--something that I have had to very consciously decide to do.  As a matter of fact, I have to talk myself into it, and in two of my labors (Tobin and Moriah), I have continued to "labor down" even after I'm fully dilated and delay pushing, usually until someone urges me to begin!  ;-)  Some women just love to get to the pushing stage and find real relief at that point, but that's never really been me.  I'm more like, "I'm handling these contractions fine, so let's just keep hanging out and pretend I don't have to actually push this baby out of my body, OK??  Show me some more pictures of your grandkids, or tell me a story--anything but pushing!"  ;-)

But this time...

My body took over, my brain was completely overruled, and I was pushing--pushing so effectively, mind you, that the baby was being born.  And now I understand how that can happen!  :)

"AlexAnn!" I called, a little alarmed that this baby was coming out into the water, and the midwife was nowhere in sight.  I didn't know if she was somewhere in the bathroom, out in the other room, or maybe somewhere else in the hospital!  "ALEXANN!"

Jeff was there, of course, and he thought at one point that he might have to stick his hands in the water and pull the baby up.  ;-)  But then AlexAnn was there, and I opened my eyes long enough to confirm her presence and watch her put her gloves on.  THAT seemed to take forever, and I still wondered if she would be able to do it in time!  

"The head is out," I heard someone (must have been AlexAnn) say.  "Just give one more push for the shoulders."  In a state of shock, I did so; and...

...BENJAMIN CALEB FISHER slid out of my body, was placed in my arms, and made his mark on my heart forever.

As always after I give birth, a chorus of praise erupted from my lips.  "Thank You, God!  Thank You, God!" I repeated, fully overwhelmed by all that had just happened...and actually finding it a little hard to believe!

At some point, someone confirmed that he was indeed a boy, and the comment was made that the cord was plenty long enough for me to hold Benjamin without worrying about that.  I, knowing that water births are not supposed to happen in our hospital, apologized for giving birth; but that comment was laughed away.  I don't think anyone there was too upset by what had just taken place.  ;-)

Somehow, they got me out of the tub, and I walked back out to the bed, holding Benjamin in my arms--and leaving bloody footprints all along the way, I saw later.  Giving birth is a messy business!  (But speaking of the mess, quite a while later, when I went back to the bathroom, I saw that the water was still in the tub, and to my eyes, it was amazingly clear.  I guess they got me out of the tub before much of the messiness happened.)

I laid down on the bed, happiness and relief--and disbelief, too--pulsing through me, but with a terrible case of the shakes.  I could not stop shaking for anything, but the warm blankets they piled on me sure felt good.  :)  

But what felt the very best was knowing that at 2:44 a.m., exactly 59 minutes after we checked in at the hospital, my beloved Benjamin Caleb burst forth from my body in the easiest birth I'd ever had.  My mental build-up to labor and delivery was over.  The birth had been safely completed.  I was on the other side and could let myself rejoice and delight over this little boy to my heart's content.  The joy of knowing him face-to-face was just beginning!

~ cellphone photo by Jeff ~

********

After I posted this, I got additional input about how this night went from both Jeff and also from Robin, the photographer.  I'm so grateful for their memories which, in many aspects, are clearer than mine was in those intense moments; and I'm especially thankful for the photographs Robin took which show us how things really were.  So, based on that info, let me add to or clarify a few details.  :)

~ Jeff told me that after the cold water was added to the tub and it reached a temperature I was OK with, it was 93 degrees.

~ I wasn't sure what I did with my right hand but thought I gripped a bar on my right.  As it turns out, I was still hot, even after the water in the tub was cooled down, so someone gave me an ice pack which I held to my forehead with my right hand.  Someone also brought a small electric fan into the bathroom and plugged it in to blow on me, but it only worked for a short time.  I'm not exactly sure why it stopped working; but apparently after that, Jeff picked up a package of gauze or something like that and used that to fan me--at my request, I believe.

~ Robin gave me some really interesting info, based on the time stamp on her camera.  After she took a few pictures of me in the tub holding Jeff's hand, she slipped out to take a picture of the room number by the door.  About 30 seconds later was when all the action began.  She took a picture at 2:41:44 of the nurse bent over the tub, and Jeff's hand was in the tub, too.  At 2:41:56, AlexAnn was there.  At 2:42:07, Benjamin was on my chest.  That's a grand total of 23 seconds.  :)  No wonder I was in shock when it was all over!  ;-)

~ Jeff said he was the one who saw and announced that the head was out, and indeed he had put his hand in the water to catch Benjamin since at that point, no one else was there doing it!  The pictures I'll share in a blog post soon show his hand in the water and then dripping wet after Benjamin was born.  :)

~ Another thing I remember is that somewhere along the line, someone told me I could sink down in the tub to get lower and have more of my body covered by the water; but probably by that point, I was sort of arching my back and preparing to hit the eject button, so sinking down and relaxing was definitely not happening just then!  ;-)

Well, those are all the corrections and additions I can think of at the moment.  The post I'll finish soon with photos from Robin may bring more to mind since it's chock full of pictures!!!  :)

It Didn't Take Them Long...

...once Grandma Fisher got here, to get her to play a game with them.  :)

 She arrived late Saturday night; and first thing Sunday morning, just as soon as a quick breakfast was eaten and before we got ready for church, this was the scene in our kitchen.

 One of my kids' favorite things about Grandma Fisher is that she plays with them.

Those who have known us for a while know very well that Grandma Fisher serves us in many ways when she's here.  But I think one of the most special things that she does, which is a truly wonderful part of the grandma stage of life, is that she knows how to slow down and just be with us.  And sometimes "just being" looks a lot like holding a grandson on her lap while she plays a rousing game of Uno with three other grandsons first thing on a Sunday morning.  :)

The Birth of Benjamin, Part Two

For Part One, click here.

Riding in the car with Jeff is always a treat for me, especially when no one else is with us so we can talk freely without interruptions, so this ride to the hospital was enjoyable for that reason, as well as the over-arching reason we were up in the wee hours of a Sunday morning, driving on nearly deserted streets to the other side of town!  We didn't just talk about the upcoming birth; instead, we spent part of the drive discussing our children and Jeff's work and who knows what else.  It was a delight to have that quiet time to converse, and talking about topics other than labor helped to keep my mind off what was happening in my body and what was to come!

I did have at least two fairly strong contractions during the drive, as well as one after we got into the parking lot.  It's entirely possible that I was having one when Jeff snapped this picture of me right before we got out of the van to walk into the hospital.  It's a horrible picture...

...but it captures a significant moment!  :)

As we got out of the van, I did NOT want to have to carry anything--dealing with my own body was quite enough for that moment--so I asked Jeff if he could carry my backpack, his own bag, and my laptop; and of course, he could and did without complaint.  It wasn't that far of a walk from our van to the hospital entrance, but I was dealing with contractions and had to walk slowly, even pausing at one point to grip a metal railing that overlooked a pretty garden area that I had not even realized was part of the hospital grounds.  When I remarked on this to Jeff, he told me he had noticed that area when I was in the hospital for Moriah's birth, nearly three and a half years ago.

Also as we walked, the subject of an epidural came up; and Jeff said something like, "We haven't even talked about this yet!"  I let him know that if I were checked and found to be not very far dilated, I was interested in getting an epidural (the contractions I was having at this point were already quite intense); but if I were close to the end, then I wouldn't get one.  My whole birth "plan" (if one can attach the label "plan" to a scheme that is hatched in the parking lot as one walks into the hospital) revolved around how far dilated I was, and I awaited that knowledge eagerly.

The emergency room area that we entered through was quiet and nearly empty, and the receptionist pointed us to a registration room a little further down the hallway.  I s-l-o-w-l-y walked to it and eased myself down into a chair to answer a few questions and sign a paper or two to complete the registration process I had begun during an earlier visit to the hospital.  It didn't take very long, and our official check-in time was 1:45 a.m.

After that, I could have walked up to labor and delivery, but instead gratefully accepted the offer of a ride in a wheelchair.  Normally, I do like to walk as much as I can before I give birth; but I knew how incredibly slow my pace had been, and I couldn't fathom how I would manage to walk all the way to the maternity area.  As it turned out, it was a good thing I got this ride and was able to reach my room fairly quickly.  :)

Jeff, by the way, took all the photos in this post with his cell phone, and I'm grateful to have a pictorial record of these moments.  When he posted the above picture to Facebook, one of his co-workers noticed that I must have been having a contraction when Jeff took it because of the way I'm clenching the armrest, and she's absolutely right.  At this point, the contractions were coming fairly frequently and were requiring me to concentrate as I worked through each one.

One thing I forgot to say before is that, as the contractions became stronger, I had to mentally fight against nervousness and fear.  I was handling these contractions fine, but how would I ever handle the hardest ones to come?  Even when I was lying in bed at home, the fear hovered on the horizon of my mind; and one of the ways I combated it was to keep my mind focused on one moment at a time.  I could ride through each wave and make it to the other side successfully, and THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO DO.  I didn't need to even think about what the future waves would be like, but simply take each minute, each second as it came.  This was one of the strategies that was particularly helpful to me during this labor and delivery.

I was wheeled into a quiet, peaceful labor and delivery area and was greeted by a nurse who reminded me so much of my friend Mel Driver--who happens to be a labor and delivery nurse at our hospital, but I've never managed to have my babies when she was working!  This time again, I missed her; but the nurse who took me into the birthing room surely reminded me of Mel with her kind, friendly face and disposition.

As she wheeled me into the room, I glanced a few doors down and saw the room where I gave birth to Moriah and mentally noted that I wouldn't be giving birth in the same room to this baby.  Not that it mattered...  :)

We got into the room and I...insert fuzzy blurry thoughts here...met Becky, a pretty, blond-haired, young, cheerful nurse who would take care of me during labor...gave a urine sample and was having strong contractions during that time...changed into a hospital gown...was checked to see if it was truly amniotic fluid that had leaked (it didn't seem to take more than about half a second for Becky, who was doing the test, to see that it was; and that probably stood out to me because when I gave birth to Moriah, the first test for amniotic fluid was negative, but the second, more involved one was positive)...was strapped up to the monitors to check on the baby and monitor contractions...had my blood pressure checked, which was a little high, but not too worrisome...was stuck with a needle for an IV, and amazingly the nurse got it on the first try (I'm notoriously difficult to stick, and Jeff even warned the nurse that others have had trouble with me, so if she couldn't get it, she wouldn't feel bad).  I'm not sure of the order of all those events, but sometime soon after we got to our room, those things all happened!

I wasn't particularly comfortable during this time.  Can you tell?  ;-)

But I do remember the joy I felt at hearing the baby's strong heartbeat over the monitor...and the pleasure of meeting other nurses, one of whom Jeff discovered was the wife of someone that he knows (and that man that he knows is the nephew of our chimney-cleaner...life in a small town, right?).  ;-)  I would say that overall, the atmosphere in the room was upbeat and jovial, but inside I was a little panicky.  I remember at one point, I needed Jeff's attention and maybe interrupted him a bit abruptly.  I also asked him at some point to turn on the music on his phone (the playlist I had put together for labor and had so enjoyed listening to in the weeks leading up to this night) because I felt like I really needed that distraction.  During one particularly strong contraction, I grabbed hold of Jeff's fingers and squeezed pretty hard--hard enough that Jeff teased me that I was going to break his fingers.  After that, he gave me his whole hand to squeeze, not just his fingers.  ;-)

I also remember that Jeff was telling people that I often gave birth while standing up.  I didn't know he was going to do that, but that was the way I had envisioned this delivery going as well, so it was a good thing he was preparing them for that.  Turned out be an unnecessary warning, but we didn't know that then.     ;-)

Becky was asking me the questions that have to be asked and was inputting my answers in the computer.  I, meanwhile, was uncomfortable enough that I wanted a change of position or something, but was told that I needed to be on the monitor for one more minute so they could get a full 20-minute reading before I was unhooked.  I think the thought raced through my head that 19 minutes was good enough and who cared about their silly 20-minute rule, but I didn't say anything.  ;-)

AlexAnn, the midwife, arrived and had a very sweet, kind, relaxed presence about her.  Without any rush or stress, she examined me and declared that I was 8 centimeters dilated!  Well, 8 was great, and a lot better than 3 or 4; but it wasn't 10, and labor wasn't over.  We were quickly discussing options for what to do next to control my pain, and I asked how long it would be until I could get an epidural.  When AlexAnn told me I would need to get an IV first before an epidural and that would take AN HOUR, I knew that option was closed to me and was inwardly kicking myself for not checking into the hospital when I felt the first contractions much earlier that evening.  "I could have had an epidural and skipped through labor with nary a twinge, but I stupidly missed my chance" was my slightly irrational thinking at the time!  ;-)

Another option that was discussed was some kind of pain medicine that could be given to me by IV, and at that point I was desperate enough to take anyone up on any kind of relief they could give me.  But then AlexAnn suggested that I get in the jacuzzi tub; and I, loving to be in the water when I labor, agreed to that, so she went to draw the water for me, which I thought was kind of funny because I expected a nurse to do it (the nurse who was still asking me questions and writing down my responses, I suppose).  Not that I cared who did it, but I did notice that it was AlexAnn who performed that lowly task.  She soon came over and told me it was ready, and I very gratefully moved to the bathroom, disrobed, and sank into the water.

I was hoping to gain some relief that way.  Little did I suspect what I would really be given!  :)

For Part Three, click here. 

What Happens When I Try to Photograph Benjamin by Himself

"Step away from the baby, boys!  Step away from the baby!!"  ;-)

Everything Is a First

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(Almost) Wordless Wednesday {Little Baby, Big Bed}

Benjamin, yesterday...first time in crib...  :)