Let Me Count the Ways

If I were forced to answer the very difficult question, "What one marriage book has had the greatest impact on your marriage?", I would have to say, "The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman."  Maybe because of its simple yet profound message, maybe because of the timing of when it was given to me (at my bridal shower) and when I read it (very early in our marriage), or maybe because of its inherently practical nature--for whatever reason, that book changed me, changed Jeff, and changed the course of our marriage.  

I've always sort of wished for an additional chapter in the book, however, centered around the theme of "it's not enough to learn to speak love to your spouse in his or her own love language; you also have to learn to 'hear' the love that he or she is speaking to you, no matter what language it's in."  For example, if a woman knows that her husband naturally shows love through acts of service, then when he does things like keeping the gas tank in her car filled up for her, she should "hear" that as love.  On the one hand, yes, it's important to, for example, communicate that "hey, my love language is quality time, so forget filling up the car with gas and let's just go for a walk together so we can have deep conversation!"  But it's also extremely important, in my opinion, to realize that many of the actions our spouses are doing are rooted in love and are an expression of that.  If I can learn to become bilingual or trilingual (or better yet, quintilingual!) in the languages of love--not just in showing love in all those ways, but also hearing love in them--then it will be easier for my love tank to be filled up, even if my spouse isn't loving me just exactly the way I would choose.  

Thinking about all of this reminds me of a quote from the play The Curious Savage by John Patrick.  (Side note: I don't have a clue where and when I saw this play, but this quote was indelibly etched in my mind that night, so much so that here I sit years later, writing a blog post about it.  Isn't it funny what sticks in our minds, when so much of what we hear and see blows away like chaff?  Anyway, the quote...)   

"People say I love you all the time - when they say, 'take an umbrella, it's raining,' or 'hurry back,' or even 'watch out, you'll break your neck.'  There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear."

How does that apply to my life now?  In this very significant way...

It's relatively easy for a couple married nearly 17 years, who happen to have 5 children, to slip into the inevitable roles of Dad & Mom, Provider for the Family & Keeper of the Home, Chauffeurs, Gardeners, Housecleaners, Grocery-Shoppers, etc.  It's also relatively easy to forget the fiery, romantic love that drew the couple together in the first place.  But when the love letters have dwindled in number and the overnight get-aways to cozy little bed and breakfast inns have become impossible because of logistics, the love is still there.  And I want to notice it, because "you just have to listen for it, my dear."

Happily, that isn't too difficult of a job for me because Jeff's whole life practically screams love for me.  Sometimes I act like I'm deaf though, and don't do a good job of realizing how many things he does for me that show his deep, abiding love.  

Well, no more.  I want to start jotting down these moments that speak love--not every moment like that, of course--but some that stand out in my mind.  Because sometimes the heart needs to be reminded of these times.  :)

Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote a wonderful poem which begins, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."  With apologies to her, I'm going to change it to "How does he love me? Let me count the ways."  I hope she won't mind.  ;-)

Here are some specific ways Jeff has loved me in the recent past--some big, some small.  All made me pause and say to myself, "He loves me!  He really loves me!"  :)

1. He reassured me about the future if I get Alzheimer's.  Since there is a fairly strong genetic history of Alzheimer's in my family, the possibility that I might someday get it is a recurring thought in the back of my head (one which I have to continually lay before the Lord, because I KNOW He does not desire for me to be consumed with fear about it).  Not too long ago, Jeff said to me, "Well, if you do get it, it will be OK.  This is what I'll do for you.  We'll do this...and we'll do that..." and on he went.  Earlier in our marriage, Jeff had joked that he would probably die before me so he wouldn't be around if I got Alzheimer's (and that's why we had all these kids, of course, so they could take care of me!) ;-); but it made me feel so loved to hear him say, "It's not a problem.  I'll be here for you.  I'll take care of you."

2. He complimented me on my cooking.  It's amazing how much a simple comment--"That was a great way to use up those turkey left-overs."--can communicate love.

3. One evening when we had planned a date, he was given the option to do something else but he turned that down so we could have our date (even when I told him it was OK, he could do the other thing).  Knowing that he wanted to spend that time with me made me feel very loved.

4. During that date night, he took a picture and posted it to Facebook--and I didn't even ask him to do it!  ;-)  That made me feel loved, that he wanted to share with the world that he was with me and that I was important to him.

5. One morning after our electricity had gone out several times during the night, he took the time to get our computers up and running again.  It was a rainy day, and he knew having working computers would help the day to go better for the boys and me.  It rushed him to get it all done that morning and still get to work, but I really appreciated it.

6. When my parents had car trouble recently and were stranded along the road, he immediately drove to where they were, stayed with them until the tow truck came (which took a LONG time), then brought them home--and not a word of complaint.  His kindness to them spoke love to me.

7. Almost always when he goes grocery shopping (which is pretty often), he buys a fresh pineapple, and not only that; but when I would like to serve it for dinner, I ask him to cut it up, and he does it very willingly.  Even if he's tired from a long day at work, he picks up the knife right away and takes care of that job for me.

8. He noticed my work in the woodshed and said, "The woodshed looks great, the best it's ever been."  That sure put a smile on my face.  He noticed what I did--hooray!  :)

9. A couple days ago, he brought home a special treat for me, a carton of fresh raspberries (food is the sixth love language, you know!) ;-)  And I ate the berries all by myself one night after the kids were in bed.  ;-)

10. He wrote an "I love you" message on a dry erase board on the kitchen table early one morning before he left for work which made the boys and me happy when we saw it.

11. He immediately said yes when I asked if I could have an evening out with some new friends; he didn't hesitate a bit but graciously gave me the gift of time away.

12. He's opening my eyes to some things a man does to protect the woman that he's with.  :)

Well, there it is, the first 12 items on one of the best lists I've ever made.  Reading through this list means that not only does my head know how much I am loved, my heart feels it, too.  And hearts that feel love can quickly give that love away.

It's a beautiful cycle.  :)

~ Jeff & I, in an Olive Garden restaurant in San Diego, sometime in 2001