Baby Blessing: Weeks 29 & 30

~ photo by David, who specializes in slightly blurry images ;-)

Less than ten weeks to go until the Big Day, but I still find myself surprised by all of this sometimes.  Oh, not surprised that I'm pregnant, because goodness, the reality of my huge-and-growing body never lets me forget about the little one inside!  But at random times, shocked by the thought of this being a girl.

For example (and this is totally true--no exaggeration at all), one day last week, I was looking at an Etsy shop for a cute baby hat; and I thought, "Oh, man, they don't really have anything cute for a boy; it's all for girls."  Then with a start (literally, my body jerked) I realized that I'm not having a boy!  It's a girl child!  Clearly, I'm still getting used to the idea.  :)

I'm not the only one though.  This morning, Josiah came into the laundry room carrying a gauzy piece of purple and aqua fabric that he had found in the laundry chute as he did his job of helping to sort laundry.  "WHAT is THIS?" he queried.  "It's a dress for ______ [insert Baby Girl's name]!" I told him.  "Ohhhh!" he said wonderingly, as if it had never occurred to him that we would need to start doing laundry FOR A GIRL.  ;-)

Another sweet moment happened today when I was sitting in the rocking chair in the living room with Josiah standing on one side and David on the other.  We were reviewing our memorization of the first chapter of James; but the little lady was very active, making me feel like an earthquake was going on inside me.  I showed Josiah and David where to put their hands on my gigantic tummy, and they were able to feel her movements.  Whenever they felt a kick or punch, their eyes widened and their faces broke out in huge grins. They'll be such good big brothers, I have no doubt, since they already love her dearly.  :)

Speaking of her movements, so far most of them have felt more like rolling or kneading, rather than sharp jabs.  With Josiah, I got to the point of having a sore place near my right ribs because of his kicks there which were indeed sharp and abrupt and strong.  But at this point, my girl--although VERY active--hasn't targeted any particular area and rarely gives a strong enough kick that it is literally painful.  Whether or not that changes in the next 10 weeks remains to be seen!  I surely do enjoy feeling her move.

What I don't enjoy is the right-hip nerve pain that crops up from time to time.  Fortunately, it doesn't hurt all the time; but unfortunately, it's very random, so I'm never sure when it might hit me.  Tonight at the beginning of supper, for example, I was trying to simply get up out of my chair so I could walk over to the stove and make some tortilla cinnamon sugar roll-ups as a special treat for the boys since it was Josiah's Family Night. I could not, however, even get out of my chair for a little while because every time I moved so much as a smidgen (very scientific term, I know), the terrible pain hit and practically paralyzed me.  On the bright side, that particular nerve must be connected in some way with my funny bone because I always end up laughing even while I'm aching!  Or maybe I laugh because I just feel so ridiculous when I can't move.  :)

Besides that intense pain, I'm also dealing with a fair amount of "normal" aches and pains in my back and--truth be told--all over my body.  I can't bend down to pick up toys like I used to be able to.  I can't mop the floor without contractions hitting me.  I get out of breath going up a flight or two of stairs.  I feel as rickety as an old brittle stick when I get out of bed in the morning.  It's not that I feel poorly all the time; in fact, sometimes I still feel really great!  But more often than I'd like, I am slowed by the achiness of my body.

I've even hit the point in time where I've started thinking, "Oh, no!  What if I always feel this way?  What if this isn't just a pregnancy thing, but it's really an I'm-getting-old thing?  What if, even after the baby is born, I still feel so big and heavy and cumbersome and sore?"  But with the perspective that having four previous pregnancies brings, I can quickly reassure myself that no, I will not always feel this way.  In less time than I can currently imagine, my body will recover--not necessarily to my pre-pregnancy size and weight (at least, not for a while), but to some degree of normalcy.  And I will feel better having the baby on the outside, rather than the inside (not counting sleep deprivation which is another beast to conquer).

But I'm not ready for that yet.  I'm still very happy and content to be pregnant, and even the discomfort can't steal all my joy.  ;-)

Speaking of discomfort, I was using a long c-shaped body pillow to support my body when I slept; but after I realized that, whether I used it or not, I still woke up with a sore back and needed a little bit of time to work out the aches at the beginning of a day, I actually decided to put that body pillow away and return to using a regular one.  Why?  Because I missed cuddling with Jeff.  :)  That body pillow, as comfortable as it is to sleep with (and it is wonderfully comfortable) was almost like having another person in the bed!  Something was coming between Jeff and I--literally ;-)--and I got tired of that.  So back to the linen closet it went, and I was happy to snuggle with Jeff, instead of with a piece of foam and fabric, again.  ;-)

I've had to ask Jeff, "Was I this big with my other pregnancies?"  He thinks I was, and I think so, too.  But goodness, how the mind does forget!  All over again, I have to marvel at a woman's ability to s-t-r-e-t-c-h.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "How will I ever get bigger?  Aren't I already at the maximum size that this body/skin/muscles/whatever can handle?"  When I choose what to wear, I can't assume that just because something is officially an article of maternity clothing, it will fit me, because I've outgrown some of the maternity clothes that I have.  I'm reminded that it is wonderfully convenient to have a wide range of sizes of maternity clothes, so that at each stage of pregnancy, at least a few outfits will be comfortable and flattering? attractive?  Well, that might be too much to ask.  ;-)  But at least they'll actually cover the body and not let things show which should not be shown!  :)

Of course, as I put away some maternity clothes that are just too tight for me now, I feel a little wistful and wonder whether I'll ever wear them again.  Will I ever get over that?  ;-)

So far my unofficial (according to my scale here at home, not the scale at the midwives' office) weight gain is 23 pounds.  I know that is within the range of normal at this point in the pregnancy and should be no cause for anxiety, but I also know that I haven't been eating the greatest, and I'm a little concerned that I'll have a hard time taking the weight off after she's born and will regret not being more disciplined with what I ate during this pregnancy.  It's not that I'm scarfing down a whole pizza followed by a half-gallon of ice cream or anything like that.  But I do give into cravings.  For example, if I want some chocolate raisins, I go get a handful and eat them.  (In my defense, a container of chocolate raisins lasts me quite a while, so it's not that I'm completely out of control when it comes to those lumps of goodness!)  If I'm hungry a few hours after supper, I might eat some tortilla chips, rather than something healthier--carrot or celery sticks, perhaps?  Oh well, no use to fret over the situation too much.  Better to enjoy this current phase of being able to eat a little more freely, and then some months from now, turn my attention more towards stricter self-discipline and exercise.  Right?  Well, I hope so.  :)

If I had to sum up this particular phase of pregnancy in which I find myself, it would be this:  it's hard, but I don't want to admit it.  As much as I'd like to think otherwise, it IS a challenge to remain actively mothering four other children, caring for the needs of a household, being the kind of wife I'd like to be, AND being pregnant.  Because I've gone through this before, I'm NOT surprised that I'm at this stage of difficulty; but it seems to me that it came earlier this time around.  In my imagination of how this pregnancy would go, I anticipated hitting this stage right now.  Once I get into Week 30 and beyond, I know that I'll be dealing with fairly persistent physical discomfort--it's happened before and I was expecting it.  But in this pregnancy, I do believe it started in more like Week 22 or 23; certainly by Week 24 I was feelin' it.  Maybe, as I was warned might happen, the discomfort came earlier simply because I'm older this time around?  The ten years I've aged since my first pregnancy really do make a difference, and maybe all of this can be attributed to that.

Regardless, I do not like to admit that this is hard!  I have two reasons for my stubbornness in this area; first, I fear that if I go ahead and let myself say that it's hard, then I'll begin to focus an inordinate amount on the difficulty of it and I'll actually start to feel worse because of it.  If I continue to say, "Oh, I love being pregnant!  I have easy pregnancies!  God has blessed me with good health in this way!  Being pregnant barely slows me down a bit!" maybe it will really happen that way.  ;-)

Secondly and perhaps more importantly, I am not convinced that this is my last pregnancy.  As a matter of fact, I haven't been very secretive about my desire to have another child after this one (and if I have been elusive about that, I'm publicly admitting it here and now!).  It's crazy that I even care about this, but I do NOT want people thinking (much less, saying!) if I ever do get pregnant again, "Oh, poor Davene.  Her last pregnancy was so hard for her.  How will she ever manage being pregnant and taking care of all those children she has already?"  The whole feeling-sorry-for-me, thinking-I'm-wrong-for-having-another-one thing is so repulsive to me that it's tempted me to try to put on a happy mask this whole time and give the illusion that pregnancy is a piece of cake for me.  Compared to what some women endure while carrying a child, it IS a piece of cake for me; but nevertheless, I have my little hardships, too.  But I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or--say it ain't so!--thinking I'm out of my mind for wanting/having another child.

But why do I care what people think?

I know that children are a blessing, and I am fully convinced that this cherished girl inside me is a gift straight from the Father's hands to mine.  Even if I deal with an aching back and slow, clumsy movements for the next ten weeks straight, I will still never stop saying "thank you" for this gift!