More about Postpartum

So a few days weeks months (cough, cough) ago, I wrote about postpartum life; and I fully intended to follow that post about the physical, practical aspects of postpartum adjustment with this post about the mental, spiritual part of it.  I guess I am following it, but I didn't intend for so many other topics to get written about in between!  ;-)  From that, you should learn--if you haven't already--that just because I say that I'm planning to do this or that on my blog does not necessarily mean it will really happen that way.  Take my intentions with a grain of salt!  ;-)

Despite my delay in writing about it, I still vividly recall the deeper aspects of this particular time of adjustment after adding another child to the family (and the things I jotted down when I first intended to write this post are helping my memory!), so without further delay, let me write out these thoughts before they flit away.  :)

In the sometimes tumultuous days and weeks following Benjamin's birth, I swung like a pendulum, back and forth between two extremes.

On the one side, I felt joyful, energetic, and filled with hope.  "This is the first day of the rest of my life!" was my mantra as I settled into my role as a mom of six.  Since Benjamin is our last baby (as far as we know), I felt like if I could learn how to successfully mother these six while still juggling all the other roles I have, I would be ready to conquer the rest of my life.  As I looked around the house, I sometimes felt dismay at the things that were dropping by the wayside; but on my bright days, I was not overly discouraged.  I felt great hope that, even if I couldn't get to a particular task on that day, before too long the day would come when I would be able to; and the lessons I was learning and the things I was accomplishing each day were setting me up for victories during the second half of my life.  How sweet it was to soar emotionally!

But on the other side loomed a sense of failure.  "The pit is drawing nearer" ran through my head when discouragement rose within me, which doesn't make much sense because technically, a pit can't move; but it felt like one was getting awfully close to me!  It feels a little strange to be writing about this 10 or 11 months down the road because looking at it in the rear-view mirror makes me wonder what in the world was wrong with me.  What pit?  Why such a sense of failure?  We all survived, right?  And nothing too terrible happened during that time.  Why did I get so worked up about it all?

But let me tell you, don't underestimate the power of postpartum hormones.  They can make the world seem upside down and can make an otherwise calm woman feel completely crazy.  And so, you can see why, in the weeks following Benjamin's birth, I at times had this image of a scary pit drawing closer and closer to me until I wasn't sure I was going to be able to avoid falling over the edge.  Stress and lack of sleep were, not surprisingly, big contributors to this, so when I started feeling like I was going to lose it and fall in the pit, I tried to pay attention to things that were specifically adding stress to my life and figure out ways to reduce the pressure on me--plus, find ways to get more sleep.  And that made that nasty ol' pit move further away from me, instead of closer.  :)

I'm thankful that, during that sometimes chaotic period of swinging back and forth between the two extremes of "this is the first day of the rest of my life!" and "the pit is drawing nearer," most of the time was spent in the former mindset.  :)

Another phrase I often heard in my head was this: "Not a word of complaint."  It is so very easy to slip into a complaining spirit, and during times of upheaval like adjusting to a new baby, perhaps we do it more than we realize.  The lack of sleep alone can seem to justify many words of complaint.  And yet, I felt like God impressed upon me more than ever before that I was not to give in to that.

I've known the verse "do everything without complaining or arguing" for quite a long time (and have, in fact, taught it to my children to help nip complaining and arguing in the bud).  But I've never taken it as seriously as I did during this postpartum period.  I felt so overwhelmingly blessed--and so very determined to not let a word of complaint slip through my lips.  I can't say that I succeeded 100%, but making an effort towards this got me closer to the goal at least!

It was interesting though--having this goal of zero complaining brought up a question I've pondered before: what's the difference between simply stating something difficult in life and complaining about it?  If I'm not interested in grumbling, neither am I interested in falsely portraying everything as being perfect and wonderful.  Is it possible to admit to the hardships of life without committing the sin of complaining?

The person that I was most tempted to let down my guard and complain to was Jeff--not because I wanted to complain about him, but just because he's the listening ear that hears more of my junk than anyone else.  But when he would ask me how I was, I would sometimes not know whether to tell him all the things that were challenging in that moment or whether, if I did so, it would be complaining.

Nearly a year later, I still don't have this "honestly talking about hard stuff" v. "sinfully complaining" situation figured out!  If you do, by all means let me know the difference!!  :)

Adjusting to life with Benjamin was a good exercise in the area of giving myself grace.  Sometimes when I would be feeling stressed at all that I wasn't accomplishing, I would ask myself how I would deal with someone else if she were in my situation.  Would I get all upset with her, or extend grace to her?  Would I tell her she should be ashamed of her dirty laundry pile, or would I assure her that snuggling with her baby was much more important in that moment than laundry?  When I started asking myself those types of questions, it became fairly obvious what choice I should make.  :)

At times, I caught myself thinking, "Life will sure be easier when Benjamin is on a more consistent sleep schedule," or "Oh, I am really looking forward to when all the children are potty-trained" or other similar thoughts.  And then a voice in my head (I sure was having lots of voices in my head back then!!) ;-) would pipe up and ask, "What are you in a hurry for?  This time of your life--really, the next five years--are probably going to be the best five years of your life.  Don't rush them!!"  That's not to say that I expect everything to fall apart in the year 2020, but by then Josiah will probably be going off to college, and the years of having all six children here at home together will be coming to an end.  As I write this, that thought makes me want to throw back my head and howl mournfully; it can't possibly be true that these precious ones that I love so dearly will grow up and leave home, right??  But when I think about it, it reminds me to appreciate with extra fervor the next five years.  Well, four years now, since the first year of that five-year period is nearly gone!

Another thing I noticed during the weeks after Benjamin's birth was that, for both Jeff and I, it seemed like the pressure was off.  I, of course, was released from the build-up to a birth and the endless wondering about when labor would start and how things would go and am I really able to do this crazy act of giving birth again??  Having the very high hurdle of the unknown about the birth behind me led to a welcome level of relaxation for me that I had not had in the weeks leading up to the birth.

Jeff's stress, on the other hand, came more from our financial situation; it costs money to have a baby, and we didn't know exactly how much.  After it was over and after we paid all the bills, Jeff's stress level came down significantly.  For both of us, it was as if we were pressure canners and the heat had been turned off, allowing the heightened pressure within us to escape and returning us to a normal relaxed state.  There was a palpable difference I could sense--in myself and in Jeff.

One last impression that stands out strongly in my mind from this newborn phase with my youngest son: I felt such a kinship with Rachel in the Bible.  The fact that Rachel had Benjamin, and we named our baby Benjamin, gave us something in common, of course.  ;-)  But the key difference between her and I is that she died giving birth to her Benjamin and I didn't!  In a strange way, I felt like the love I was lavishing on my Benjamin is what she would have done for hers, had she lived; and the intense delight I felt in the presence of my Benjamin is what she would have experienced in the presence of hers (especially since she had longed for children--and remained barren--much longer than I had).  It probably sounds kind of weird, but I felt like I was honoring her memory by loving my Benjamin well; and I felt SO blessed that I was given the opportunity to live...to be the one to care for Benjamin...to be around for his first smiles and laughs...to soothe his cries...to feed his hungry tummy...to clothe him...to care for his every need.  Somebody else had to do that for Rachel's Benjamin.  How grateful I am that I got to do it for mine.

Even when the adjustment to having a new baby was a roller coaster of intense whiplash-inducing highs and lows, I still made an effort to consciously appreciate each day, knowing all too well that the time goes so fast, and the newborn stage is over in the blink of an eye.  On one day, for example, when Benjamin was 11 days old, I jotted down the following note:  "Thought about putting him in bed for afternoon nap,but held him and napped together on the couch instead - so precious."

Precious indeed.  Those days, those snuggles, that tiny little baby...

Precious beyond words.

In those days of intense first love, it's hard to imagine that he could become even more precious to me; but now that he's nearly a year old, I can testify that it's true.  I love him more now than I did then, and I'll love him more tomorrow than I do today.

That love will never, ever stop...

 ~ photos taken during the early weeks of Benjamin's life...he was wearing a super-soft, cozy sleeper that our friend Elizabeth gave us after his birth...it was perhaps my very favorite sleeper for him :) ~

I Shall Be Random, Vol. 11

~ 1 ~

Since we don't have a TV, we haven't been glued to the Olympics (like I probably would be if we did have a TV!); but one evening last week, we went down to my dad's house and watched some of the Olympics with him.  The kids got an education in what modern-day Olympics are like, and I got an education in HOW MANY COMMERCIALS THERE ARE ON TV.  My goodness, we would watch the Olympics for just a few minutes, and then there would be a commercial break which seemed to last longer than the segment of the Olympics had just been!  Then back for a few more minutes of action, and then another long commercial break.  I wasn't impressed with that aspect of it.

I did, however, enjoy watching the various track and field events and some of the swimming competition.  But as impressive as the athletes were, I couldn't help but think that it would be a lot more impressive if, during each race, a "normal" person would be allowed to compete so that we could see just how fast the Olympians actually are!!  :)

~ 2 ~

During one of the days the boys were taking swimming lessons a few weeks ago, Moriah and Benjamin and I ran a quick errand before we needed to pick the boys up.  As we were pulling into the Target parking lot, Moriah spoke up from her seat two rows behind mine.  "I'm a good looker, huh?" she said.

I was about to agree with her that yes, she is very lovely (although perhaps an admonition about humility was forthcoming, too) when she continued, "...because I saw a slug bug and an axi taxi."

Aha!  She wasn't speaking about her appearance at all!  Rather, she was complimenting herself (still might need a lesson in humility!) about how well she looks at things and notices what is around her.  That's different!  :)

~ 3 ~

When I was growing up, we called VW bugs "punch buggies"; but in Jeff's family, they called them "slug bugs," so that is what our children call them; and sure enough, whoever is the first to spot one and say "slug bug" gets to hit someone else in the car as we're driving along.  

But why stop with just "slug bugs"?

In our family, when we see a taxi, we call out "axi taxi" and are then allowed to chop someone like an ax.

When we see a tractor that is moving, we say "tractor compactor" and are then allowed to squeeze someone's arm very tightly.

At one point when I felt like the boys were too competitive and were slugging and axing and compacting each other too much, I declared that we needed something more loving, so when they would see a mail truck, they should blow me a kiss.  :)

Then we decided that when we see a police car, they should blow Daddy a kiss.  :)

Some time ago, I read somewhere that it is wise to teach your children to notice motorcycles when they are small, so when they are old enough to drive, they will already have a habit of seeing motorcycles, thus making the roads safer for bikers.  I couldn't come up with a clever way to incorporate this into our game of looking for various vehicles as we drive, but fortunately, Jeff was.  He had the idea to say "like bike" when we see either a motorcycle or a bicycle in motion, and whoever is the first to say "like bike" gets one round of protection from any "slug bugs" or "axi taxis" or "tractor compactors" that someone else sees.  :)

Hey, if it helps my kids be more careful drivers when they grow up, I'm all for it!  :)

~ 4 ~

From time to time, I think ahead to the future years when I will be riding alone in a car much more often than I do now.  As tedious as I sometimes find the "slug bug" etc. game, I know I will miss it when it's gone...especially the kisses I'm given when the kids see a mail truck.

It dawned on me recently that, whenever I see a mail truck when I'm alone, rather than lamenting the fact that I no longer have someone small to ride with me and give me kisses, I can turn that around and use it as a reminder to give thanks for all the years that I have been blessed with a multitude of kisses from my children.  Oh, sure, I'll be sad when they're gone, but sad and grateful is much better than sad alone!

~ 5 ~

I've come to the conclusion that it's impossible to be both a prepper and a minimalist.

There's a part of me that takes after my mother with her raised-by-country-farmers-right-after-the-Great-Depression-so-they-never-threw-anything-away mentality.  Mother's motto was "always be prepared," and she always was.  :)  When Y2K rolled around, she and Dad were well supplied with a woodstove for heat, propane for cooking, a cistern for water, a generator for electricty, and plenty of rice and beans (as well as lots of home-preserved food in the cellar and the freezers) to stave off possible starvation.  She was a prepper before the word was invented, and we have had fun by gently teasing her many times through the years.  :)

I have her inclination towards preparedness within me.

There's a part of me that is drawn towards the simplicity of the modern minimalist movement.  Throwing off the shackles of possessions and living light and free sounds SO appealing (I've written some about that before).   If we're not currently using something and haven't in the past year or so, why hang onto it?  Let it go, so it can bless someone else, and so that we can live unfettered by the accumulation of extra stuff.

I have an inclination towards this free-spirited, God-will-provide mentality, too.

It's an uneasy coexistence, one that doesn't really work very well.  But I still try to straddle the middle line between being a prepper and a minimalist, mostly by trying to accurately assess how valuable a particular item might be in the future, especially if that future includes a hardship like a bad storm that knocks out electricity for a while...or worse.  If the item would be quite helpful in a crisis scenario, I don't mind stocking up.  Dry beans?  Sure!  Triple antibiotic ointment?  Absolutely!  Three boxes of cheap plastic toys from fast food restaurants?  Negative!  They can go!!  ;-)

~ 6 ~

It's not as if I've gone around to all the neighbors' houses, sniffing outside their garage doors; but even without that proof, I think it's safe to say that about a week ago, we had the smelliest garage in the neighborhood.  :)

This is the reason.

After we harvested the onions from our garden, we needed a space to lay them out to air and dry a little.  Because of all the rain we've been having this summer, outdoors under a tree wasn't an option, so we parked the minivan outside for a while, and into the garage the onions went.

I'm really grateful for the abundance of this harvest, but wow, did they ever give off a strong fragrance!!  :)

~ 7 ~

These days, one of Benjamin's favorite things to do is sit on my lap while I play the piano and bang on the keys, too.  If I get in his way, he's quick to let me know by pushing my hands away.  ;-)

It's a joy to spend time with him like this, making music (errrr, noise!) together!  :)

~ 8 ~

Benjamin LOVES to swing his legs up and down, and one day recently, big brother David was imitating him.  The things that are cute when a baby does them sure look funny when someone older does the same thing!  :)

~ 9 ~

Life right side up can get boring.

It's a good thing Benjamin has a daddy...

...who occasionally turns him upside down.  :)

Ah, the view is much more interesting this way!!  :)

Maybe we should all try it.  ;-)

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday {The Fair of 2016}

Shav made maple fudge, Tobin made forgotten cookies and congo bars (chocolate chip cookie bars), David made no-bake cookies, Josiah made mint fudge, and I made salted caramel chocolate chip cookie bars to enter in the fair.

We were delighted that...

...Tobin won second prize for his congo bars...  :)

...and for his forgotten cookies...  :)

...as did Shav for his maple fudge.  :)

Josiah won first for his mint fudge!  :)

David didn't place for his cookies, but we all thought they were great anyway.  :)

And my salted caramel chocolate chip cookie bars got second.  :)

A special part of going to the fair this year was hanging out there with our friends Hannah and Dean and their sweet grandma Janie.  :)

My favorite part of the whole evening was riding the merry-go-round with Moriah.  ♥

But I love everything about the fair.  :)