On Raising {the Right Kind of} Spiritual Questioners *Updated*

A few days ago, I received a Facebook message from Shannen (John's wife, pictured in this post).  It said, in part, "I have been thinking about you and your family and I would love to get some advice from you. I was impressed with how your boys ask so many deeper questions, especially about the Bible and God. Do you have any tips or recommendations for how to foster that in our kids?"

My first thought was, "Wow, that's a GREAT question!"

My second thought was, "Wow, I'm honored--and humbled--that she asked me, although I feel inadequate to answer this."

My third thought was, "I'd like to answer in a blog post."  ;-)

So I sent a message back to Shannen, asking her if that was OK, and she graciously said yes.  After that, I took a few days to ponder and pray and ponder some more while ideas tumbled around in my head; and I wondered how I'd ever be able to make a cohesive reply out of my scattered thoughts!  :)  But out of the mental whirlwind came a passage of Scripture that is the basis for how Jeff and I have tried to encourage our children to be the right kind of spiritual questioners.

(And before I go any further, let me say from the start that we have not arrived in our parenting.  We are still on the journey, and some days we travel well while other days seem mired in mud.  We have learned much from those who have gone before us, but we have many more miles to travel in this parenting journey, and we pray to remain humble and teachable all the way until the end.  So please, as you read this, keep in mind that we don't have it all figured out and we don't have perfect kids and sometimes we blow it.  Please remember this.)

Deuteronomy 6:
These are the commands, decrees and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you...Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Or as The Message says it:
Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night.

OK, so those verses are very familiar, but practically what does that look like in our family?  I'm glad you asked.  :)

The first step is this: before the Bible can come alive in a meaningful way to our children, it has to come alive in a meaningful way to us.

As we all know, the children God has placed in our families have huge eyes, and they watch everything.  This can be a good thing, but also a very challenging thing sometimes.  ;-)  What are they seeing?  Because whatever is entering their heads through the windows of their eyes is going to be demonstrated in their behavior.

In our family, the Bible is such a natural part of life, woven into the warp and woof of our days.  In the morning when we sit down to begin our homeschool activities, we might read a few verses from Proverbs.  At lunch, while the boys munch on strawberry jam sandwiches and carrot sticks, they might be hearing a Hermie & Wormie Scripture memory CD in the background.  In the afternoon, when a disagreement breaks out about whose turn it is to turn off the light in the laundry room, we might bring up the verse from 2 Timothy that begins, "Have nothing to do with foolish and stupid arguments..." (one of my boys' favorite verses because when they recite it, it's one of the rare times they are allowed to say "stupid"!).  :)  When we sit down together for supper, Jeff opens the Bible and reads a short passage before we sing a short song, pray, and then eat.  As the meal progresses, we might discuss something that Jeff just read (like we did a few nights ago when we read from the Gospel of Mark about Peter immediately leaving his nets and following Jesus...we were discussing what the other gospels told us about his prior contact with Jesus...did he really drop everything to follow some stranger that wandered by that he had never heard of before??).  Or we might not!  There's no script to follow, no list of questions about each passage, no formula for the right way to do it.  But because the Bible is such a foundational part of our lives, these opportunities show up--just like Deuteronomy 6 describes.

Let me add one more thought here before I go on to my next point.  I am convinced that the decision we made early in our marriage to not have a TV has had a bigger positive impact on our marriage and our family than we could even imagine.  I am not saying that having a TV is wrong or that everything shown on TV is evil--of course not!  But it's a question of priorities.  My children don't see a daddy who has to catch up on news from the world of sports every evening, but they might find their daddy writing a blog post about a Greek phrase used in the Bible or about his testimony of how God drew him to a life of faith.  My children don't find me watching the latest episode of Downton Abbey if they pop out of bed for one last hug at night, but they might see me eating a bowl of sour cherries and reading the book of Hebrews.  (Disclaimer: I'm not saying it's wrong to watch Downton Abbey!  I have MANY friends who do watch it!  ;)  Again, I'm just talking about priorities and how that is lived out in our family.)  :)

I wish I could say that every morning, my boys come downstairs and find me already awake, reading my Bible.  I wish I could say that every night, their last glimpse of me is on my knees praying for them.  Neither would be true.  I am not yet as disciplined as I want/need to be in this area; but as I said before, the Bible is woven into our life.  It is such an interwoven part of the rhythm of daily life for us, and we can't even imagine how we could survive without it.

With all of that being true, it is only natural that children would be inquisitive about what they see is of such importance to Mom and Dad.  If the Bible is read and discussed in the home, children will innately be curious about it.  It just happens because for most children, their default setting, so to speak, is to question!  :)  Let them!

As I've listened to my boys talk to me and each other recently, I have been reminded repeatedly of how REAL the events and characters of the Bible--and God Himself--are to them.  For example, Tobin was thinking about Moses a week or two ago and asked me, "If he stabs somebody with his stick, do they turn into the Red Sea?"  It made me grin to hear how his mind was working--i.e. he knew that Moses had a stick that was pretty important, and he knew that Moses made the Red Sea do something strange--so even though he had his facts mixed up, I was glad that it was real to him!

Another time, the boys were talking among themselves about who was racing, with various voices chiming in to say that they either were or were not participating.  I overheard Shav's little voice pipe up as he said with all the seriousness a three-year-old can muster, "God is!"  A pause, and then, "Because I asked!"  I LOVE that Shav thinks nothing of asking God whether He's racing because God is such a part of his life.  :)

The day after Independence Day, Tobin mused aloud, "I wonder what God had for breakfast."  David spoke up in an astonished voice, "I thought God doesn't eat until we all die!"  These kinds of conversations not only bring a smile to my face, but also open the door to surprisingly in-depth, mature conversations--in this case, about the difference between the physical realm and the spiritual realm, as well as the meeting with God described in Exodus 24 which apparently included a feast!

I could go on with these stories of funny things the boys have said through the years that then led to deeper spiritual talks.  Like the time David was having a brotherly conflict and, in response to my question, "What did Jesus tell us to do?  When someone hits us on one cheek..." answered, "Turn around and hit him on the other cheek??"

Or the time David combined his scientific knowledge of the composition of clouds and his Biblical knowledge of the ascension of Jesus and then asked if Jesus got wet when he went through the clouds.

Or the time Josiah was attending a week of Vacation Bible School that focused on Paul in Rome and told me in amazement, "I didn't know Christians were in the Bible!!"

Or the time Josiah was doing a fill-in-the-blank activity with some verses from Proverbs and when he got to one that said, "My child, listen to your father's teaching, and do not forget your mother's _______," instead of coming up with the correct answer of "advice," he said, "flowers"!  :)  (I really like that version, and I hope he still remembers it on Mother's Day when I'm 75!)  :)

(By the way, these stories--and more--are recorded in the Tiny Talk Tuesday posts on my old blog, Life on Sylvan Drive.  That's how I am remembering them, because otherwise I would have forgotten them, I'm sure!)  :)

So, after my first point of making sure that the Bible is a integral part of our family life, my second point is that I find it wonderfully natural that my kids come up with questions and comments that are sometimes silly, sometimes funny, sometimes off-the-wall, sometimes serious...but almost always, those questions are a doorway to deep and rewarding conversations.  Like I said before, it just happens.

However, and this is a HUGE however, my third point is that none of this would be able to happen without time together--lots and lots of time together.  And furthermore, that amount of time together would not happen, in our family, unless we homeschooled.

Before I go further, and as an aside to anyone else besides Shannen who is reading this, let me repeat some of the things I said to Shannen in person when she and John were here visiting.  She asked some great questions about homeschooling, although they are not planning to homeschool their children.  I was delighted to answer, but I tried to be careful to ensure that she understood that I was not suggesting that homeschooling was the only right option for every family.  I reiterate that here to say, as clearly as I can, that I am not saying that if you are reading this and you don't homeschool your children, you are bad...or wrong...or unloving...or any other negative adjective you want to throw in there.  I know clearly that God draws us by different paths, and the road my family is on is not the same as the one you are on.  Even within my own family, Jeff went to public schools his whole life, I went to private Christian schools, and now we are homeschooling; so we have a taste of all three, and we have seen God work in all three!  So please don't misunderstand my words here.  With all that said, I will try to simply share what is working for us, and that is, without a doubt, homeschooling.

Sometimes I try to imagine what our daily life would be like if the boys went to "regular" school--either public or private.  I imagine that mornings (not my best time of day by any stretch of the imagination!) would be all-too-often filled with the stress of "wake up!, eat your breakfast!, get your clothes changed!, did you brush your teeth?, where is your backpack?, what do you mean you forgot to have me sign that permission slip?" and so forth.  Even if the question of God eating breakfast did arise in the midst of all of that, there simply wouldn't be time to drop everything and delve deeply into it.  Genuine spiritual conversations can't automatically be programmed to land between 7:22 and 7:28 in the morning (or 4:58 and 5:14 on the way to soccer practice...or 8:45 and 8:55 before it's time for bed, for that matter)!

After the morning rush, my kids would then be gone for...what?...eight hours or so?  And I imagine that by the time they got home, they would be tired (and, being boys, maybe already "talked-out" for the day!), but would still need to spend several hours doing homework, and that's not even mentioning any extracurricular activities that would be thrown into the mix.  On top of all of that, because of Jeff's work schedule (he works on Saturdays, but is off on Wednesdays), if the boys went to a traditional Monday-Friday school, they would hardly see him!

Compare that with our relaxed way of living and schooling.  Because I believe firmly the principle of Proverbs 9:10 that "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom," I strive to always deal with the heart first...build character first...educate my children in the things of the Lord first.  That doesn't mean that we don't ever get around to talking about multiplication.  Of course we do!  But I guarantee you that if one of my kids brings up a question about God when he's supposed to be thinking about 7x8, I will kick 56 out the window and open my ears to his thoughts about God.  THAT is why we homeschool!  (At least, it's the first of the Big Three reasons we initially had when we made the decision to homeschool.  In a nutshell, they were 1) the opportunity to freely instill our spiritual values into our children, 2) the academic excellence that comes from the one-on-one tutoring style that homeschooling provides, and 3) the strong family relationships that develop through shared learning and experiences.)  Homeschooling provides an incredible opportunity to spend the most time on what is most important--things that are eternal.

In our current society, if sweet little Tobin asked his kindergarten teacher about Moses and his stick, what would she (or he) be able to say in response?  Perhaps a reprimand for not focusing on what the class was doing.  Perhaps nothing, since in many cases, the Bible cannot be talked about in schools.  The teacher would certainly not be able to pause for a moment in the teaching of the "-ar" word family to address the question in Tobin's heart.  I do not say that to fault the teachers: I know a great many teachers who would LOVE to have the freedom to speak up when questions about the Bible arise.  Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to teach and counsel students that you really care about, but be unable to point them to the Source of all answers??

I cannot count the times that my lesson plans for the day were derailed--at least temporarily--by a question or comment that sprang forth from the heart of one of my kids and that required some time to discuss.  I consider those conversations some of the biggest, truest, most priceless treasures of my life these days.  If for no other reason (but there ARE other reasons), I would consider homeschooling to be the best choice for us simply for these opportunities to give ample time and weight to the spiritual ponderings of my kids...which thus in turn encourages them to ask even more questions.

Let me say it again however: I'm not saying that only homeschoolers care about their kids' spiritual lives.  There are MANY others who do, and I'm sure they creatively look for ways and times to connect with their kids.  Other ways and times that we use are the monthly breakfast dates that Jeff has with each son (that are a very consistent part of our family schedule), the very-much-less-consistent mommy-son dates I get to have with each boy, our dinner times together around the table (with, obviously, no TV on) which are perfect opportunities to let conversation flow whithersoever it will.  :)  I also wrote in this post quite a long time ago about the impromptu moments that God gives us: times when one child comes to us in need of advice or reassurance or what-have-you.  If our eyes are open to those moments and our minds are prepared to sacrifice our own desires (for example, for sleep or for "alone time"), we can turn those times into meaningful times of spiritual growth and connection.

Well!  I think I've rambled on enough about this for now!  :)  To Shannen, please know how much I respect and admire your love and devotion to your family.  I have no doubt that you and John will find many ways in which to create an environment that encourages the right kind of spiritual questioning from your children.  They are blessed to have you as their mommy!!

And now, it's time for me to take a few moments to ponder the latest semi-spiritual conversation the boys had.  That would be the one in which, in the midst of a discussion about what heaven would be like, one of them said, followed by great peals of laughter, "We're going to be in bathrobes WITHOUT UNDERWEAR!"

Ah, yes, we're a spiritual bunch around here.  It's too bad we can't get our kids to lighten up every once in a while.  ;-)

***********

Added on 7/14...

Since I published this, I thought of two more things that I want to add and/or clarify.  Actually, I thought of one thing, and Jeff thought of another and told me.  ;-)

About two minutes after I posted this last night and shut down the computer, I realized that I really wanted to say more about the role of the dinner table in our family life.  I know I mentioned it in the post, but I think it deserves a little more emphasis.  Besides the fact that we eat dinner together as a family almost every night of the week and we do it without a TV on or other distractions, it might also be worth mentioning that we have always encouraged our children to talk during that time.  The old adage about children being seen and not heard has no place at our dinner table!  :)  When Jeff was studying for his master's degree (in language acquistion/teaching English as a second language), he read studies about how "table talk" is so vital for the development of healthy communication in children and families.  So we have always allowed our children to add their two cents to the conversations we have while we eat dinner, and we have tried to show great respect to them as they've expressed their opinions, even if what they've said has sometimes seemed very silly.  ;-)  Actually, the whole issue of respect could be talked about more...really listening when our children talk...asking thoughtful questions to draw them out more...not belittling what they have to say, even when it seems quite immature to our adult way of thinking...etc.

But let me move on to the next thing, and this is something that Jeff brought to my attention, and I'm so glad he did because it's HUGE!  All of this--the bonding times we have as a family when our kids want to discuss spiritual things, their ability to ask insightful questions, their desire to learn more about the Bible, their hearts to love God and want to live life His way, etc.--ALL of that is a gift from God.  It's His grace that allows that to happen and us to be a part of it.  The things I've written here are not some kind of magic formula: "if you do steps A, B, and C, you'll get these results!"  Not even close.  It is because of Him and for His glory that He has allowed us to be the parents of these children and walk with them along the path of learning more about Him.

With all our hearts, we pray that path leads us and each of our children all the way to heaven!!