In the days since my return from Canada, several people have kindly asked me, in various ways, if part of the reason I felt driven to take this trip was because I was looking for a connection to my mom.
Well, yes, I suppose I was.
On the surface, the impetus for my trip was my uncle's unexpected death in October and my subsequent disappointment that I wasn't able to go for a visit to be present at his memorial service and to see all of the gathered family. But beneath that, there was something more that was drawing me northward: my aunt, of course.
My mother's only sister, she is my strongest link, not only to my mother, but also to my grandmother Dortha, to my great-aunt Rosa Lee, and to my great-grandmother Grace, whose name I carry as my middle name. All these simple but strong women that I had the privilege of knowing personally run in a line, straight down to me, and now that I have a daughter, to Moriah; and I wish I could reach back in time and touch them again, and listen to them, and see their faces, and ask them questions.
My mother's Alzheimer's Disease is so advanced that any kind of conversation with her is one-sided. She's a good listener, I'll put it that way. ;-) But there are not many meaningful words that come from her lips anymore, and that is a tragedy. More than anything else I miss--her cooking, her help with folding my laundry, her willingness to help care for my children, our fun shopping trips to thrift stores together, etc.--more than anything, I miss our conversations.
Of course, my aunt isn't my mother. Of course, she couldn't take that place entirely--and wouldn't expect to. Of course, there will always be a special spot in my heart that can only be filled by my one true mother. But in the void left by my disappearing mother, my aunt helps to fill that gap.
During this trip, for example, I was able to ask Aunt Joyce some questions I wished I had asked my mom before her decline. During breakfasts of hearty, delicious granola, we talked...and while making yummy butter tarts, we talked...and while walking over snow-packed ground to get to the main building on the farm, we talked...and while taking down a wallpaper border in one of the rooms of her house, we talked. We talked about pretty much everything. :) Aunt Joyce listened, she shared things from her own life, she told me tidbits about family history that I hadn't known, she answered my questions. Our conversations strengthened the heart-bond that grows stronger every time we're together.
Those of us whose loved ones are slipping away--either through dementia or some other disease, like cancer or strokes or any number of other sicknesses--sometimes do funny things to try to reach out and cling to them. Maybe it is true that one of the motivations for my trip (although certainly not the only one!) was this kind of clinging. But even if it was, I really don't think my aunt minded. :) Her warmth and hospitality--so like my mother's used to be--was soothing balm for my heart that always feels pierced by a slowly-revolving knife as I mourn the slow but steady loss of my mother.
Tonight I whisper an extra thank-you to God for the gift of the incredible mother He gave me. And to that, I add an additional prayer of thanks that my mother has such a wonderful sister! :)
Davene, Your post got me choked up. I can understand just how you would be feeling. I have missed my Mom very much since she passed away last June. My Dad also has Alzheimer's, although, he is doing fairly well considering, I do see him slipping away as you put it, and I miss the way he used to be. I find myself often thinking of my Mom and how she was a part of my life in all of the same ways that you mentioned. I am so glad that you were able to connect with your family and your Aunt. It sounds like such a nice trip. I loved all of your thoughts on family and homeschooling in the previous post. We all need inspiration breathed in at various times of our lives to direct us in new ways, and give us strength to move forward with new ideas or old ones the we never got around to. How wonderful that you have such a treasure of a family that you can be encouraged from. Have a great week. Many blessings to you all.
ReplyDeleteMy heart ached with you whilst reading this, and my heart rejoiced with you also. I am so glad you were able to make this trip - glad for every snippet of connection you were able to make. And I am sad for the constant ache that is in your heart. I am glad for the wonderful husband and children God has given you, and for the many years you had both your parents close by. And I am sad that your children have to watch their Grandma's decline at this stage of their lives.
ReplyDeleteI could go on ... so much to be *glad* about, and so much to be sad about. And isn't this life, in our fallen, yet blessed world.
Love, Anne x
What a sweet visit. My own grandmother has Alzheimer's although it is not advanced--she can still carry on a conversation, although she doesn't always know to whom she is speaking. ;) It is hard to see her slipping away b/c she is my one female link to my own mother, who died when I was 23. I can't rehash memories of mom anymore with her, and my mother's father died before i was born. So, that is hard. I understand why you would want to seek your aunt's company (among other reasons, I am sure!) and it sounds like it was a beautiful visit and soul-filling!!
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