A Pregnancy Update of Sorts

If you've known me for a while and/or have been reading my blog during my last three pregnancies (pregnancies #1 and #2 happened before I knew about blogging!) ;-), you might have noticed that I've been uncharacteristically quiet about this most recent pregnancy.  Usually, I'm shouting the news from the rooftops as soon as the pregnancy test shows a positive indicator, and then I'm following that up with weekly--or nearly weekly--pregnancy photos and blog posts that detail just about everything I can think of about the pregnancy!

But not this time.

It's NOT that I'm not happy about being pregnant.  As a matter of fact, I'm THRILLED to be honored once again with the privilege of carrying a tiny one within me; and I long for the day when I can hold him (or possibly her, but around here, a baby is male until proven female!)  ;-) in my arms, like the beautiful figurine below.

So why am I so silent?

Part of it is because life is busy and full, and so many other things demand my attention that, by the time night comes when I have time to write, I am often drained of the mental and emotional energy necessary to even scribble out a blog post about anything--much less, about something so meaningful and precious as a new baby.

Part of it is because the past few weeks have seemed to be a nearly-unending round of sickness, with someone or other in the family constantly needing an extra dose of TLC from me, again resulting in more fatigue and less time to write, not to mention the pile-up of household tasks that results from the interruption in our daily routines that illness brings.

But even more than those reasons, I have been hesitant to write too much about this because I feel so cautious about this pregnancy.  So very, very, unlike-my-optimistic-self cautious.

The first adjective I ever used to describe this pregnancy is "unreal," and a day shy of 12 weeks in, it still feels that way.  Maybe that's because of the full year of expectantly waiting for a positive pregnancy test before God opened my womb again?  Maybe also because of the early miscarriage in August?  Maybe because I'm older...and there are more risks...and I've had three miscarriages, after all, so I know very well that the possibility of loss exists.

But I don't want to be this way!  I want to throw caution to the wind and fearlessly embrace each day, celebrating with abandon the new little life inside me, no matter what the future holds.

It's not that I'm anxious and fearful in a trembling-knee kind of way.  My faith in God's plan runs deep and strong; and I have no knee-knocking, heart-rate-elevating fear.  But there is a dullness inside me that keeps the ecstasy of new life locked away.  I pretty much hate that.

The key that will unlock the bubbly, sunshiny joy, I keep telling myself, is the moment in time when I first hear the heartbeat of my baby and know for certain that, at least at that particular moment in time, all is well, and the new life is strong and healthy.  That's what I'm waiting for, so that then--finally--I'll be able to break through this odd detachment and fully engage with the wonder of a baby.  My baby.

I waited longer than I normally do to have my first prenatal appointment.  Part of that was because of my trip to Canada--I waited until I returned to call and set up that appointment.  By that time, the earliest they could get me in was February 18; and by then, I was already 10 and a half weeks along...which wasn't a big deal, really, because I knew from experience all the things I should be doing in the first weeks of pregnancy to give the baby a good start.  I also knew, from experience, that if things are going to go wrong, they go wrong.  Having an early appointment with the midwife doesn't guarantee a successful pregnancy--not by a long shot!

I was a little disappointed, however, when I realized the first appointment was not with one of the midwives, but with a nurse educator.  In fact, I complained to Jeff one evening (shame on me! seriously, I should NOT have done it) that it was just going to be a waste of time to go in town for that.  I knew already what they were going to say, and the appointment wouldn't do me a bit of good because I wouldn't see a midwife and wouldn't be able to hear the heartbeat or have an ultrasound to check on the health of the baby or anything productive!  "The most I can hope for," I told Jeff, "is that it will be with a nurse educator that I know so that I can have a nice social visit!"  I knew good and well that the medical practice there has to abide by certain standards and procedures, no matter if it IS a sixth baby and the mother (thinks she) knows it all; but it brought back to my mind all the frustrations I've ever had with standard medical practices and their (sometimes) useless procedures, and I even told Jeff maybe I should just have a home birth!  I was not in a very good frame of mind that evening - ha!  ;-)

As it turned out, the appointment on the 18th turned out to be a lot of fun--not because I learned a whole lot of revolutionary new info about the early weeks of pregnancy, but because it was, as I had foretold to Jeff, "a nice social visit!"  Faythe, the nurse educator, turned out to be someone that I knew from years ago but would not have recognized without her prompting.  "Do you remember me?" she said; and I fumbled for words because I did not.  But when she told me her maiden name, I certainly did recall who she is.  :)  We chatted about her family and mine and some of the things that have happened to us in the intervening years since we had seen each other; and in the middle of all of that, she checked my blood pressure (142 over 78, a little high for me), asked some questions to fill in the blanks of my medical record, weighed me (168 pounds, which is 20 pounds lighter than the last time I was there--April 2012! ;-)  but which is higher than I would like it to be, prompting me to determine that after this baby is born, I WILL be more consistent with eating well and exercising more!), and got me going with the blood/lab tests that are so prevalent during pregnancy.  It actually turned out to be a really fun appointment.  ;-)

However, it didn't answer my question of, "Is there a living baby within me?"  Faythe essentially told me that, because of my history of miscarriages, I could push for a viability ultrasound; but when I scheduled my next appointment--the first one with a midwife--and realized that I would be 12 and a half weeks--far enough along to hear the baby's heartbeat--I decided that I would continue to walk the path of trust for the two weeks between appointments and not have an ultrasound.  After all, if I were having a homebirth, I wouldn't exactly get to have an ultrasound, just to put my troubled mind at ease!  ;-)

So that's where I'm at: eagerly awaiting March 4, the date of my next appointment, and longing for the reassurance that the sound of a galloping heartbeat will provide.  In the meantime, I'm assuming that all is well.  September 13, my due date, stands out in the back of my head as I go about life's activities, reminding me that, come fall, life in the Fisher household will be different, and my thoughts and plans for the future need to reflect that new reality.  The kids bring up the new baby, sometimes remembering it when we pray prayers of gratitude.  The boys notice--and comment on--my changing shape as my belly rounds and swells.  I've pulled a couple boxes of maternity clothes out, but haven't unpacked them.  Jeff and I occasionally talk about the baby...but not much.  We haven't really discussed baby names, or whether we'll find out the sex when we do have an ultrasound, or how we'll rearrange bedrooms and sleeping arrangements for all the kids.  Oh, we touch on those topics, but not with the customary enthusiasm and thoroughness that I usually bring to preparing-for-baby conversations.  ;-)  Whenever any of this comes up, my heart urges, "Wait."

I'm waiting.

But oh, what an explosion of jubilation I expect there will be when I finally get confirmation that this isn't a dream, that the baby inside me really is alive and kicking, and that, Lord willing, the Fisher clan will indeed have increased by one when autumn arrives this year!!!