Each So Precious

When Josiah was born, I knew, for the first time, the legendary love of a mother for her child--a love deeper, and stronger, and more sacrificial than any I had known before.  My heart would beat fast as I gazed upon him, and I would croon the beginning of a love song I was writing for him, "It's not enough to spend one lifetime loving you..."

Then I got pregnant again; and as I awaited the birth of my second child, I wondered (maybe all women who are pregnant with their second child do this?) if I could possibly love my second one as much as I did my first.  David was born; and I knew that not only could I love him that much, I did love him that much.  Unspeakable love flooded my heart, so much so that then I worried that maybe I didn't love my firstborn enough!  Before long, things evened out, and I discovered that the heart has an enormous capacity to love--even to the point of loving two children more than words could say.

When Tobin was born, I wasn't so worried about whether I'd be able to love him enough.  I knew I would, and I surely did.  But even still, I was surprised at how much I adored him.  I thought he was so incredible, and so cute, and so wonderful, and so perfect, and so everything-else-good-that-could-be-said-about-him.  He was adorable in the literal sense of the word, and I did adore him.

Shav came next, and my heart beat wildly for him.  Even to this day, he just makes me melt sometimes.  His mannerisms, his facial expressions, his word choices and pronunciations, etc. - they all make him so uniquely Shav and so very special to me.  I'm crazy about that boy!

And then, Moriah.  Words fail me as I consider how to express my great love for her.  I hope it's abundantly clear through not only the things that I write about her, but also the way in which I live my life around her, that she is an exquisite treasure and is cherished so tenderly.

With the family dynamic we have of four boys being followed by one girl, I am especially aware of the possibility of favoring the girl.  Although I can't say belligerently, "Oh, I would never do that!", I can assert that I will try with all of my strength to carefully raise her up so that she won't be a spoiled little rascal who always gets her way.  Most of all, I will continually affirm to each of my boys my deep, gigantic love for them.

It hurts my heart to think that they would ever feel second-best or feel like they were receiving the leftovers of my love.  Because, you see, when I feel these overwhelming surges of love for Moriah, when I smile just at the thought of her, when I break into laughter simply because I walk into her room and see her in her crib and know that I get to pick her up and hold her and kiss her - when I do all of these things, I don't just see Moriah there in the crib.  I see Josiah, and I see David.  Tobin's face is there, along with sweet Shav's.  I remember so clearly how intensely I felt that astonishing mother-heart love for each of my children.

I don't worry anymore that I love Moriah too much, that the delight I take in her lessens my appreciation for my sons.  My memory reassures me that I felt the same way about all my babies.

Here's the thing:  I still do.

I hope and pray my sons never doubt that.