What Shav Taught Me about Trust...

...and how that relates to my upcoming labor and delivery.

From the moment we stepped through the doors of Massanutten Waterpark, it was obvious which of the six of us was least enthused about being there:  Shav, by a landslide.  The rest of us possessed, in great quantities, happy memories of previous visits and were eager to create more memories in an environment so completely devoted to fun; but Shav was--quite understandably--overwhelmed and intimidated by the sights, the sounds, the newness of it...everything, I suppose.  Even walking down the stairs by the "waterfall" in the lobby was hard for him to do, and he eagerly searched for arms to hold him and carry him down the steps.

I watched him throughout our time there and picked up on various cues from him about what he was feeling; and as I sat quietly and held him for several hours as he slept during our second visit to the waterpark that day, I tried to put myself in his shoes.  It is noisy in there.  All the sounds of rushing water and pumps and people and heating systems and who knows what else make it a very loud environment.  And it is big.  The room itself, the slides, the buckets of water that pour out occasionally, etc.--all are huge.  There is so much to see and hear and feel that it's no wonder he was most likely feeling very small in the midst of it all.

But this is the wonderful part.  Rather than fussing and crying and expressing his timidity in that way, that sweet boy chose trust, instead of fear.  Every time we went into the pool, he clung to me like a koala--quiet and peaceful, but close.  I offered for him to stand up on the ledge along the side of the pool, with my arm around him, so that just his feet and legs would be in the water; but he wasn't interested.  He was wearing a life jacket so he was perfectly safe even if I wasn't holding him, but I don't think he knew that.  Instead, he simply wanted to be in my arms.

When he and I grabbed a big yellow raft with room for a child and adult and got ready to enter the lazy river, he quickly learned the routine and would react the same every single time.  He would let me put him in the front "seat" of the intertube, and he would cross his legs, reach both arms out to grab the handles, then lay his sweet head down on the front of the tube.  When we got to the area where water sprayed down on part of the river, I always steered his part of the tube away from the falling water; he knew that, and would always turn his head away from the mist and would release the handle on that side so his arm wouldn't get sprayed and then would grasp the handle again once we were past.  He didn't whimper or say he didn't like it, but neither did he express jubilation at being there.  ;-)  He was so calm, so serene, so tranquil the whole time we were there.  So peaceful, in fact, that he didn't have any trouble at all drifting off to sleep in my arms that evening as the water in the pool gently rocked both of us.

Trust, instead of fear.

That, in a nutshell, is how I hope to approach the birth of my baby.  How thankful I am for the experience of watching Shav deal with such an unfamiliar environment, because it gave me the perfect imagery for how I anticipate experiencing this birth.  I don't know how things will go; it is undoubtedly an unfamiliar environment for me, even though I've given birth to four babies previously.  No one can ever predict, with any certainty, how labor will go.  But there is One who knows; and just as Shav so readily put his hand in mine and walked beside me without protest as we moved from one activity to another in the waterpark, and just as he so placidly laid his head on my shoulder and relaxed in my arms in the water, so do I long to put my hand into His as I walk through labor and rest my head on His shoulder when I am growing weary.

Trust, instead of fear.

The labor which I entered with the most trust was Tobin's, and it blew my mind how easy it was (until I lost my focus for the last half hour or so, and then it got crazy difficult).  You'd think after having such a great experience with Tobin's delivery that Shav's would have been a piece of cake; but as a matter of fact, I was dealing with a terrible amount of fear as labor with him started and progressed.  It had only been 18 months since I had given birth to Tobin, after all--not enough time to really forget how painful the end of that labor was!  Besides, I was nearly overcome with fear about life in general and how I would be able to adapt to being a mother of four young ones (two of whom did not yet walk!).  I distinctly remember confessing to Jeff, as we waited in the hospital room an hour or two before Shav was born, how very afraid I was.  Despite the quickness of my labor with him, it was not an easy labor; and I do not want to experience again the deep, dark fear I felt during that time.

I haven't written about my Arise goal for a while; but just because I haven't mentioned it doesn't mean I'm not doing it.  I'm not "perfect" with it, in terms of always getting up at 7:00 AM, seven days out of the week; sometimes life and circumstances get in the way of even the best resolutions.  But I am grateful for the tremendous growth in this area of my life since January 1st.  I'm especially filled with gratitude when I see the fruit of my early morning times with God, one of those fruits being something that relates directly to this post: a stillness of spirit as I think ahead to childbirth.

To be frank, I've been astonished at the lack of fear I've felt as I consider giving birth.  The peace has been astounding; and let me immediately give the glory to God because I know that, in myself, I am a fearful, quaking-in-the-knees woman.  But not now.  Not in this area.  Not as I lean on His strength.

So many verses have come alive to me during this time of preparation (and thank you to those of you who shared verses in the comments on this post!), and I have been loving the sweet communion with my Father that has resulted from my acknowledgement of my upcoming need for help from outside myself.  One of the verses that I've thought about often is Isaiah 26:3, and the words that come automatically to my mind are from the old King James Version, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee."  Stayed on Him - yes!  That's it exactly!  That's what I've been doing, have already reaped the benefits from, and long to do for the rest of this pregnancy, all during the delivery, and in the days of adjustment to come after the birth.

But let me be honest: two things shook me in the past several days, and threatened to turn my focus from staying on Him.  First, the incident I mentioned yesterday about Kara.  Suddenly, doubts and fears swept into my mind.  Would I end up in the same situation as she?  Second, the sizable physical discomfort I felt after my headlong dash after Shav on the runaway tricycle.  Would my body recover from that before the hard work of labor began?  Today, as my muscles continued to ache from yesterday's unexpected exertion and as my heart continued to hurt when I thought of Kara, I realized what was going on: I was losing my focus.  The battle to "stay on Him" began again, and the peace that resulted from it quickly swept through my soul.

I don't know how long this peace will last: for another week? until my due date? until labor begins? all through my labor? until the very end when my precious daughter is born? even after her birth when the nurses start using my empty uterus as a punching bag to supposedly make it contract to stop blood loss and I want to yell, "it IS contracting, for pete's sake? can you give me an epidural now for the pain?!"  ;-)  But this I know.  I will appreciate each moment that is flooded by such a sweet sense of tranquility and trust; and if it should start to depart, I will fight for it to return.

An old hymn comes to mind--one that I haven't heard for a very long time.  A phrase from the chorus floats through my head..."stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest..."  I look up the words and discover this text, written so many years ago by Frances Havergal:

1. Like a river glorious is God’s perfect peace,
   Over all victorious, in its bright increase;
   Perfect, yet it floweth fuller every day,
   Perfect, yet it groweth deeper all the way.
   • Refrain:
     Stayed upon Jehovah, hearts are fully blest
     Finding, as He promised, perfect peace and rest.
2. Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
   Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
   Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
   Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there.
3. Every joy or trial falleth from above,
   Traced upon our dial by the Son of Love;
   We may trust Him fully all for us to do;
   They who trust Him wholly find Him wholly true.

Trust, instead of fear.  That is what I remember Shav displaying in the waterpark, and that is what I'm eager to demonstrate as the time draws near for this little girlie to be born.  My hand in His, every single step of the way.

~ our talented friend Emily kindly did a photoshoot for us last Saturday evening, and I am THRILLED with the pictures she got...this is just the first that I'll share (hopefully the rest tomorrow in a pregnancy update?)...thank you, Emily, for this moment with Shav that you captured...and I didn't even know you were taking this picture!  :)

Interested in hearing how the hymn I quoted above goes?  Maybe it's a new one for you.  Here's a beautiful instrumental version of it by Chris Rice.