However, yesterday I wrote that I would share another marriage lesson today, so I'm going to keep my word and do it. I know I don't have to, but I also know that it's undeniably helpful for me to take the time and put the energy into doing this--helpful for me because, not only does it further cement the lesson in my heart now, but it also brings it back to my mind with wonderful clarity in the future when I read back over these confessions and lessons. So...
I was lying awake in bed a few weeks ago (I have Baby Girl to thank for my interrupted nights of sleep these days, and she's not even born yet!) and pondering what it was about me that had first attracted Jeff. I think I'm right in saying that it was my joy. (I would ask Jeff himself to confirm that, but right now he's sleeping on the couch, and I'd rather not wake him just to ask that question.) ;-) Very early on in our relationship (to be accurate, before our "relationship" even started), Jeff gave me the nickname Happy because of the cheerfulness I demonstrated--in particular, my chipper attitude one early morning in Jerusalem when some of us students had volunteered to arise ;-) before usual and go to Qumran for the day to help in a hot, dusty, exhausting archaeological dig. I suppose I showed up at the rendezvous spot with a big smile on my face, and that caused him to dub me Happy. Maybe that even caused him to marry me. ;-)
When I was remembering that recently, I had to ask myself whether I still excel in that area, or whether I have lost that attribute that first charmed him. That's another question that will have to wait until he's awake sometime ;-) but oh, how terrible it would be if I were to fall short in the area that initially drew him to me!
From there, my thoughts jumped to what it was about him that first caught my attention; and, though this may sound funny, it was because he was--for lack of a better word--emotional. :) I don't mean that he cried during movies or gave in to fits of rage or had temper tantrums or read chick lit while holding a tissue box and dabbing his eyes. Not at all! What I do mean is that he was far more sensitive and romantic and passionate-for-God and introspective and mature and willing to draw out my feelings and share his own than the other young men I had gotten to know at that point in my life. He wasn't the strong, silent type; he was the strong, willing-to-talk type. He wasn't an island that didn't need anyone; he was a lake that needed a spring to refill it. He may have initially come across as a rugged wilderness man from the mountains of California (plaid flannel shirt and all) ;-), but it soon became apparent that under that stalwart exterior beat a heart that was soft and tender towards God and towards people...and he wasn't afraid to show it. I so appreciated that about him, and grew to love him--for that, and for so many other reasons.
So that was what first attracted me to him; however--true (shameful) confession time now--on the night of all this pondering, I was rather unhappy with Jeff. My reason? He was so emotional. If that's not ridiculous, I don't know what is. Here was this attribute that I had quickly grown to love about him way back in 1996, but here we are in 2012 and that same characteristic was driving me a little crazy. I knew from the very beginning that life with him would not be life with Mr. Steady. Please don't misunderstand: in all the ways that matter, he is steady as a rock...faithful to the nth degree...goes to work even when he doesn't feel like it...NEVER makes an excuse about why he can't go...is incredibly reliable and responsible with our finances...takes care of us so adequately that the boys and I NEVER have to worry about whether our needs will be met. Like I said, in all the ways that matter, he is steady.
But for whatever reason, on that particular night, he must have been feeling down about something (I honestly can't remember what it was!) ; and I was letting his low spirits bring me down, so I began to resent his sensitive, emotional, feeling nature. I'll say it again: ridiculous.
When I'm not responding in a hormone-driven, heightened-emotion manner to him, I actually treasure the fact that he has feelings and shares them with me. I'm extremely honored when he confides in me. He goes out from our home every day and fights the battles of the world, and I cherish the fact that I'm the one that he returns to and lets down his guard with and expresses his thoughts and feelings. It is a gift, and I don't take it for granted.
Well, I usually don't. Apparently I did that night, and I didn't want to deal with his battles anymore. So I resented what originally drew me to him. Shame on me.
I believe it was very shortly after that incident that I read these words from Elisabeth Elliot; and as happened so many times before, God used her wisdom to cut me, draw out the yucky cancer of sin, and stitch me back up again to heal and be strengthened. Here is what I read:
It is always possible to be thankful for what is given rather than to complain about what is not given. One or the other becomes a habit of life. There are, of course, complaints which are legitimate--as, for example, when services have been paid for which have not been rendered--but the gifts of God are in an altogether different category. Ingratitude to him amounts (let us resort to no euphemisms) to rebellion.
Many women have told me that my husband's advice, which I once quoted in a book, has been an eye-opener to them. He said that a wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy. It's a down-to-earth illustration of a principle: Accept, positively and actively, what is given. Let thanksgiving be the habit of your life.
It was just what I needed. Maybe, as this Valentine's Day begins, it's just what you need, too. Here's to enjoying the eighty percent, transforming our attitudes from ingratitude to thankfulness, and rejoicing mightily in the husbands God has so kindly given us!! :)
Davene, thanks for sharing these posts. This is so helpful to me. I thought I was unique in these areas, but you give me hope that I'm not the only one who falls into these sins. Praise God for his mercy, and may He continue to be merciful to us and help us grow. (And help our husbands be patient with us!)
ReplyDeleteDavene, I appreciate the fact that you are willing to share deeply with your readers. I think it is part of our introversion to later feel as if we should not have shared so openly. I often feel like this after I have shared deeply of my feelings, but when we share of our true feelings and failings, growth can happen in us. Plus God is using you to help others examine issues of their own.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your vulnerability...this was something I very much needed to hear today- thanks for sharing!
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