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Monday, November 7, 2011

What We're Hoping For

"Are you hoping for a girl?"

If we had a dollar for every time someone, after noticing our all-boy tribe, has asked us that through the years,  we'd likely have enough money to pay off our upcoming hospital bill in cash.  It's no surprise that we get asked that a lot, I don't get offended by it and I certainly understand it, but as you can imagine, it sometimes gets a bit wearisome to have to answer it all over again.  If you're reading this and you happen to be someone who has asked us that in the past, please don't worry and please don't think I'm picking on you.  I don't have anyone in particular in mind as I write this, believe me.  :)  But just so you know, here is our answer...

We're hoping for a baby.

Simple enough, right?  ;-)

Jeff, in his job as a barber, is doomed to endlessly repeated shallow conversations.  As each new person enters the shop and sits down in his chair, there are often the same comments and questions spoken each time, punctuated occasionally by deeper conversations--often of a spiritual nature--that are much more rewarding than the standard fare of talk about the weather, the upcoming election, and the approach of hunting season.  He has probably gotten the "are you hoping for a girl?" question just as much as I have, if not more; and he takes the lighthearted approach when answering.  He might shake his head and say something like, "I can't afford a girl!  We have all the boy clothes and toys already, so it doesn't cost much to have another boy.  But a girl would be too expensive!"  And his customers chuckle and perhaps, if they are fathers of daughters, smile in understanding.

When I am asked the question, usually by random people at the grocery store or new acquaintances at church, I try to give the kind of answer that shows the questioner that we value all life, whether male or female, and that we're not necessarily hoping for a girl because we are so aware of what a wonderful gift any baby is and we're grateful for whatever God chooses to bless us with, etc.  In many of these situations, my boys have been standing right there; and how do they feel hearing scores of people ask if we want a girl?  My first concern is not answering the inquiry of the person who just asked, but it is protecting the hearts of my sons and building them up in the confidence that they are so loved and wanted.   I feel fairly certain that they are convinced of that fact, but I so hope that none of them will ever feel like, "Oh, Mom and Dad must have really wanted a girl, and they were disappointed when they found out I was a boy."  Perish the thought!

On a deeper level though, I will admit to having had times through the past 10 child-bearing years when I longed for a daughter.  Sometimes this was prompted by nothing more significant than seeing cute little girl outfits and thinking about dressing up my own daughter someday.  Sometimes it was the thought, "What would our girl look like?  I know what our boys look like, but what would our daughter's appearance be?"  Sometimes I envisioned how much fun it would be to do womanly things together, like teaching her to cook and make a home--and how rewarding it would be to see her grow up and bless her husband and children by excelling in those areas.  Sometimes I remembered how special and meaningful my own relationship with my mother has been through the years, and I grew sad at the possibility of never being able to duplicate that with a daughter.  Yes, I have longed for a girl.

One of the times that hit my heart the hardest was when we had the ultrasound and found out that Tobin was a boy--NOT that I was sad that he was a boy!--but during that, the ultrasound tech told us about how the vast majority of families that get started with one gender continue with that and never have the other.  Although I know she didn't mean to discourage us, it was disheartening to hear say essentially (although not in so many words) that, in her opinion, we would never have a girl.  I rejoiced in Tobin; and from the start, I have adored that boy.  But I didn't want to lose hope of having a daughter, despite the predictions of an experienced ultrasound technician!  What helped me overcome those feelings of discouragement was remembering that--DUH!--she doesn't control our future.  God does.  And if He wants to bless us with a daughter, He is undoubtedly able to do that!

After Shav, I didn't know if we would have more children, so apparently I wrestled a little with the possibility of a daughterless family because sometime during the past two years, I had a conversation with a close friend in which I disclosed my feelings to her.  To be honest, I don't even remember that conversation.  Early on in this pregnancy, she reminded me of it and asked how I was feeling about things, and I had to laugh because that talk with her and those feelings I was dealing with had totally slipped from my mind!  :)

As I think back, however, I do remember one more clue that indicates to me that sometimes I did wrestle with wanting a daughter.  Sometimes when I would hear of someone (no one comes to mind specifically, so again, I'm not talking about any particular person or family) who had all boys and then had a girl (or vice versa), I would think, "Wow, how did they do that?  What makes them so special that God blessed them in that way?  How did they accomplish it?  Why haven't we?"  I feel sheepish even writing that--ashamed to admit that I struggled with a lack of gratitude and trust in God's plan.  But my goal is honesty, even when it doesn't make me look good at all.

Coming back to the present and how I've felt during this pregnancy, I am glad to say that I have had a much deeper level of peace about accepting whatever God chooses to give us.  I would be thrilled to have another boy!!!  Although I, during my pre-baby years, never imagined myself as a mom of only sons, I feel like I've slipped into that role fairly comfortably, accepting and even welcoming the noise and energy and enthusiasm and silliness (not to mention, weapons!) that boys bring to a family.  Because I love my four sons so very much, I know that I would quickly grow to love another one just as passionately--and in fact, that deep love is already growing and is quite strong.  So, a boy would be welcomed wholeheartedly!  Besides, I LOVE the boy's name that we've chosen, and it would really be a shame to never get a chance to use it.  ;-)

I think, too, that after a woman experiences a miscarriage, her perspective changes dramatically.  This is a hypothetical situation I'm about to present, but I think it strikes at the heart of the matter.  When a couple is first trying to conceive, there are all kinds of dreams and visions about who that baby will be, when he/she will arrive, and what he/she will be like.  For example, "oh, I really, really hope that we get pregnant with a girl...and she'll be born in the fall...maybe on October 24 which is her grandmother's birthday...and the baby will have blue eyes...and gorgeous curly hair!"  Then, when several months go by and nothing happens, the thoughts might change to this:  "I really, really hope we get pregnant soon so we can have a baby this year...a Christmas baby would be fun...we could name her Noelle!"  When more time goes by with no positive pregnancy test, more and more of the dreams are cast aside until finally, the prayer simply becomes, "Lord, please let us have a baby."

If that happens to a "normal" couple with no miscarriage involved, how much more does it happen to a couple who has lost a pregnancy?  No longer do they try to dictate whether it's a boy or a girl, when that child is born, and who it resembles, but after a heartbreaking brush with the fragility of life, they are simply grateful if the womb is opened again and a baby begins to grow.  Experiencing death makes us appreciate life--any life.

It happened to us.  After we had Josiah (a son! wonderful!) and David (a little brother for our first son! they'll be buddies! fantastic!), we began to think that it would be really nice to have a girl.  One of my aunts told us, through the family grapevine, about a scientific way of determining whether a couple has a boy or girl; in brief, it involved the timing of ovulation and the speed at which girl-producing sperm travel v. the speed of boy-producing sperm...blah blah blah...  I won't get any more specific than that.  But apparently this "method" was discovered by some pioneers in the fertility movement, and my aunt used it to get exactly what she wanted in her family, and it worked.  So we tried it.

Sure enough, after a few months, I got pregnant!  Hurrah!  And then, at just 7 and 1/2 weeks, I lost the baby.  Of course, it was far too early to tell if it was indeed a girl; but the lesson I learned (one of them anyhow) was to trust.  Trust God in all areas of life.  Trust Him in the big things; trust Him in the small things.  And for sure, trust Him to give you what He knows is best for your family.

I never felt like the miscarriage was God's judgment on us for trying to take matters in our own hands, but it was a perspective-changing shift that I've never forgotten.  After that, I much more humbly prayed, "God, we'd love to have a baby.  Any baby.  Anytime.  Just give us what You know we need.  And if we never have a girl, I trust that You have a reason for that; and it's OK...even if I never understand here on earth."

As we are only 9 days away from our much-anticipated ultrasound, my thoughts have circled back to the boy/girl question many times recently.  Honestly, I think this is a boy.  Not only does our family history point rather strongly to it ;-), but this pregnancy also feels SO MUCH like my other ones.  I fully expect that when the ultrasound tech turns on that screen and shows us our baby, we'll be waving hello to our fifth son.

I would be SHOCKED if it were a girl.  We'd be happy and excited, for sure, but it would probably take me a while (and some smelling salts!) to get used to the news.  ;-)

So, are we hoping for a girl?  Well, we're hoping for either a girl...or a boy.  Either one.  Really, any baby will do--as long as it's the one God has planned for us!

(And to answer the automatic follow-up comment, "As long as it's healthy, right?", feel free to click here to read my rant about this--and another rant that expands on the first.  These were written during Shav's pregnancy, but my thoughts haven't changed.  If the question "are you hoping for a girl?" comes across innocently enough to not ruffle my feathers at all, the comment, "as long as it's healthy," does do quite a bit of ruffling!  I'd better stop now, so I don't end up repeating all that I wrote in those previous posts.  I'm putting the soapbox away.  I'm not going to type anymore.  Good night!)  :)

13 comments:

  1. I agree with you about the 'as long as it's healthy' thing. We will joyfully accept what ever baby God chooses for our family to bring him glory.

    When I met my friend Kay, she was pregnant with her seveth baby, a boy. When she got pregnant with her eighth, I said excitedly, "Maybe this on will be a girl." She replied flatly, "Probably not." It was at that point that it dawned on my she's probably heard that one for the last seven pregnancy. 8 and 9 were girls and 10 and 11 were two more boys.

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  2. I healthy little one is what I hoped for. We were thrilled to carry on my husband's name, but would have been just a thrilled to have a girl.

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  3. While lying in bed last night, I thought of two more qualifications I want to make. First of all, I really do understand why people ask us if we're hoping for a girl. It's such a natural question, and I really don't get offended by it. As I give my answer to such questioners, I'm really not standing there fuming. Really!

    Second, what I shared concerning our own experience about trying for a girl does not mean I'm issuing a blanket condemnation of all of those who pursue various schemes to get either a boy or a girl. There are some really crazy ideas out there about how to do so!! But in this post, I just wanted to share how that incident with trying for a girl and then having a miscarriage revealed my own lack of faith in God's perfect plan...and consequently, an opportunity to grow deeper in my level of trust.

    That's all. :)

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  4. Davene (and Jeff)--
    What a testimony you are of faith anf trust in the One who knows all things, and works all things for our (VERY!) good! Whoever this child is, he/she is so very blessed to be born to parents who will love and care for him/her so conscientiously!! What wondeful future men you are raising...and even more godly men, if you have more boys! And, if God chooses for this little one to be a girl...how very protected she will be(and maybe rough-housed some too!) Rejoicing with you in God's PERFECT gift of this precious new life!!

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  5. I think that's right up there with "you should have more kids" and in secret the big mouth, stupid person from church has no idea you've had 3 miscarriages.
    Just chalk it up to people not knowing Proverbs and how a big mouth can lead to destruction and how God calls us to edify each other, not tear each other down.
    God bless you and your family and all those little blessings! what a joy to have so many!
    ~Lin

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  6. Davene, I arrived to your blog missing you so much. I was greatly rewarded by this post. I am so enthusiastically excited for you and Jeff. And I understand your heart so well.

    Thank you for your sweet comment on my much deserted blog a couple of weeks ago. It warmed my heart and put a big smile on my face. I am going to leisurely read through your blog since its been a very long time since I have visited!
    I know this may sound silly, but I love it when you are pregnant! (non pregnant too), :P but there is a coziness in your writing and discussing. I love all the detail and joy that you are looking forward to. And then when you arrive and share with us all your precious new born baby, its just so wonderful! :) I have been reading your blog since you were pregnant with Tobin and every topic you talk about or discuss is food for me. I love all your experiences, pictures and stories. You make and create a beautiful image of pregnancy that I love to enjoy with you in.

    Thanks so much for sharing and being such a wonderful friend.

    Much love to you Davene xoxox

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  7. Great post. I got that a lot, too. I still get apologies for having all boys!! I don't understand it! I used to just smile and leave it alone. By I finally started speaking up for myself and my boys!!

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  8. God has given you such a peaceful spirit about having all boys (maybe this one too), and I think that's wonderful. You know, you've mentioned adoption before, and perhaps someday you'll adopt a girl to teach how to cook, keep house, etc. It just crossed my mind. Let God lead you, not my fleeting thoughts! (Hmmm...my parents broke the same-gender rule--they had 2 boys after 8 girls!)

    When I read that this pregnancy "feels" so much like the others you're sure it's a boy, I had to think about my own pregnancy this time. I does NOT "feel" like any of my others, and I've had both a boy and girls. Maybe we're having a rabbit! (Just joking!) I'm not sure "feeling" has much to do with it. I don't think it does for me, anyway.

    In some ways, I think I have different thoughts on the healthy baby issue. Andrew and I pray that our baby will be normal and healthy, pretty much every day. It is a big deal to me. I will humbly accept whatever God decides is best for us, but having had 2 babies that had rough starts in life with health issues (although neither was serious), it is SO HARD to live through. It's draining, exhausting, trying, seems endless, and just plain hard. That's why I pray for a healthy baby. I know God is faithful and all-wise and will never give us more than we can handle. I trust He will provide grace sufficient for every moment, whether we have a healthy baby or a baby with lots needs. Those are just my thoughts, and other people don't have to agree with me.

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  9. Do you want to hear from someone who has 3 boys? 3 beautiful boys that I would never trade for a minute, a second. Some of us are meant to mother boys - create them into amazing men. I feel like that is my destiny :). I also will admit that when I found out that Eli was a boy, I had a moment; a split second of being a little sad to never have someone to have pedicures with or talk about boys with. But, we get what we get for a reason. Good luck and keep that positive spirit. :)

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  10. I do so love that you are so honest about your feelings Davene -- I also have to admit to a little hitch of sadness when I realised Adam was a boy. But he is just perfect and exactly who we needed and wanted in our family ... I wouldn't swap him for a million girls! Still, I think every woman does have that littly yearning for someone with whom they can share all those little bits and pieces that belong to the 'pink' world. And that's fine ... there are always granddaughters in the future!

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  11. When I was pregnant with #3, lying on the table having an ultrasound, I was SURE we were having another boy. When the tech said it was a girl I was confused. I made her look again and tell me how sure she was (she was 100% sure!) It actually took awhile to get used to the fact that I was having a girl! It was so weird. I had hoped for a girl with #1, but joyfully gave birth to a boy instead. And after that I had boy on the brain. :)

    Now, if you are pregnant with a girl, beware... people will assume you are done having children now and a whole new set up questions pop up. Apparently, with 2 boys and 2 girls I have achieved the perfect balance and shouldn't have anymore children. *insert eye roll here* The comments and questions I get are ridiculous.

    Anyway, I can't wait to find out what you are having and rejoice with you in the good news! It's a baby! (ahem, one of my kids was hoping #4 was a monster truck)

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  12. Very thought-provoking as usual, Davene.

    One of the nurses during the delivery of my second daughter asked if we knew whether we were having a boy or a girl. I answered that it was a girl and that we had another daughter, too. She said, "Oh well, maybe you'll have a boy next time." Honestly, it seemed a little silly to say that right there in the delivery room! I couldn't have been more thrilled to be having another daughter so exchanging her for a son or valuing her less for being a girl hadn't crossed my mind. I think people just have an image of the "perfect" family in their minds and that "perfect" family has two children -- a boy and a girl. Anything else is a deviation. LOL I now have three girls and I love our family dynamics. God has blessed us richly!

    As to praying for a healthy baby. . . I may have said something to the effect of "we don't care if it's a boy or a girl, we just want the baby to be healthy," but not because we would ever view our child as less than wonderful otherwise. I have chronic illness and chronic pain and my concern was that my children don't have to endure what I have. That was (is) a big concern for me, that they not inherit my health problems. Our middle daughter (4) is on the autism spectrum (high functioning, but with many sensory and speech challenges) and I can say with full sincerity that I would never have chosen not to have her if I'd had that information ahead of time. She is beautiful, special, and a miracle, as are my two neurotypical daughters. Okay, I'll stop here before I write a book and start crying. =0)

    Just a note -- my mom is the only girl in her family. She has 5 brothers!

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  13. Just smiled the whole time as I read this post...for us it was the other way around....after Joshua it was 13 years and 4 girls before we had another son....boys are hard to come by over here...LOL I loved it when you said any baby will do so long as its the one God has planned for us! I am very excited to see your family grow and to read all about it! :) God Blessing to you always!! HUGS!

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