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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Hope Deferred, Part Two

For part one, click here.

Fast forward to June 2011.  I knew there was a strong possibility that I was pregnant; and in my impetuosity, I took a pregnancy test before I should have.  I wasn't surprised by the negative answer, nor was I discouraged.  Hope was still strong.  But a few days later, I took another one, and again received a negative response.  "Hmmm...by this time, it really could have been positive.  Oh, well, I'll wait a few more days," I thought, "and test again."

That brings us to Sunday evening, June 26.  On our way home from Bible study, we stopped at Walmart "for a few things," and I furtively snuck a box of pregnancy tests into my cart.  All the way through the store as we continued to load items into the cart and all the way through the check-out area as we UNloaded items from the cart, I fervently hoped that none of the boys would notice that unfamiliar box and inquire further about its contents!  They didn't.  ;-)  But as soon as they were all in bed, I took the test, and the most beautiful sight appeared:  that second line in the window, indicating that I was pregnant.  I jubilantly took it downstairs and proudly showed it off to Jeff who was happy, too.  Happy, but cautious...as was I.  You see, that second line--the one I had been longing to see--was very faint.  It was there, but not dark, not obvious.  It didn't scream, "YOU ARE PREGNANT!"  It was more like a whisper, "Well...you might be."

My hope didn't die yet, partially because there was another pregnancy test left in the box, and I planned to wait a few days and take it.  Surely by then, the line would appear quickly and be dark and definitive, right?

I held off until Wednesday morning, then joyously woke up, eager to take the test and see proof of the exciting event occurring within me.  I could hardly wait to tell the world!  But again, a very faint line appeared. So much for proof.  "I guess I'll buy another box of pregnancy tests, and wait a few days to try again," I somewhat wearily thought.

Uncharacteristically for me, I hadn't breathed a word of this to anyone but Jeff.  Part of my reason for that was the caution we felt, based on the unconvincing pregnancy tests we'd seen; but another part of it was because of my intense delight at the thought of another baby.  It was delicious, having this secret that I'd only shared with Jeff.  I held my deep joy close to my heart; and although I "knew" that I would eventually enthusiastically share the news with anyone who would listen, I wasn't ready for that yet.

The first person I told was my college friend Lisa who was vacationing in the area and came over for dinner with her family on that Friday night.  The fact that she is pregnant made our conversation naturally turn to pregnancy-related issues; and as we stood by the swings pushing our boys higher and higher, I shared with her about our "mildly positive" pregnancy tests (I'd taken another one that morning, with the same faint result) and our concern that a miscarriage was fast approaching.

Sure enough.

Not too many hours after she was gone, the bleeding started; and any woman who has gone through it can remember what a sad, sad sight it is.  Life is gone.  Hope drains out.  Joy runs away.  The love remains without a doubt, but the dreams you already had for that child dissolve into nothing.  It is so very sad.

To be continued...

11 comments:

  1. Oh Davene, my thoughts and prayers are with you just now, I have some understanding of what you are going through.

    My fourth pregnancy ended with a missed miscarriage. I had no symptoms at all of the miscarriage until a 12 week scan showed the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. Only a few hours later the miscarriage started, as if knowing that it was no longer viable, my body had agreed to let go of the baby.

    Having other happy, healthy children does make it a little easier than it must be for those women who so long for a baby but have none, but like you said, you still mourn for the life, hopes and dreams of that little life.

    We don not know God's reasons for these things happening, but at least we can trust in HIm that He has a plan for every little thing. In our case, exactly one year to the very week later, I saw the same sonographer and had the joy of seeing our fourth son's heartbeat on the screen.

    Sorry , if this has been a bit longwinded, but I do hope you can take even a little comfort from it. ♥

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  2. Thanks for the follow-up post! I was hoping you would have time to post some more before too long. You tend to leave us in suspense!

    What a sad way to try to celebrate the 4th of July. Please hang in there. God is good, even when things are really hard. Again, my heart aches for you. I wish there was some way I could help bear the grief.

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  3. My heart aches for you! I will be praying for you!

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never experienced it but I have experienced the ache of longing for a child who I thought would never come. Prayers for you as you continue to heal.

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  5. I love you, sweet friend. Thank you for sharing this very tender piece of your heart. Sadness :(

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  6. Oh Davene, I am so very sorry. There isn't really anything I can say... but I know what you are going through (I've also had 2 miscarriages) and I will certainly keep you in my prayers.

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  7. O Davene, all the way through, I soooo didn't want this to be the ending :(
    Praying for you, x

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  8. I am so sorry! I will be praying! If there is anything else you need, please let me knw.

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  9. Davene,

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray that God grants you the desires of your heart. Truly, I am praying for.
    In Christ,
    Kristal

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  10. I'm praying for you--and thanking God for His sweet provision for you and yours throughout life's ups and downs.

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  11. Praying for you and your husband. I know this must have been a difficult month for you. I know your baby is in the arms of Jesus! (hugs)
    Thank you for sharing such an intimate glimpse into your life, You have great courage!

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