If this past January could be summed up in one word - sickness - this February can be summed up in one word, too - cave-dwelling. There is so much going on inside my head and heart that I find myself withdrawing, turning inwards, and reflecting on my own situation. I'm not trying to be suspenseful about all this reflecting; in a nutshell, it mostly has to do with our continued search for where God is leading us spiritually, what congregation to be a part of, and how that will affect our family. But it weighs on me; and as Jeff and I talk and pray and search, we are keenly aware of the four little ones who are looking to us for guidance. It feels huge.
Meanwhile, I discover that I'm spending more and more time in my cave. How do I see that happening? For one thing, even though I've blogged a lot this month, my posts have been, for the most part, shallow. I've LOVED going back through Jeff's letters, and that theme has brought a lot of joy to my heart, but that hasn't demanded of me that I open my heart now and bare my current thoughts and feelings to the inspection of my readers. The various random events of my life with boys have provided plenty of material for short posts here and there, but again, there's not much depth there. That's OK; not everything has to be deep; I know that. But it is uncharacteristic of me to not reveal much at all of what I'm really thinking and how I'm really feeling, and that tells me that I've been hanging out in my cave.
The other way I notice it is in, for example, my email inbox. My number of emails have climbed rapidly during the past few weeks; and when I stop to analyze that, I realize that it's not because I've been getting so many more than normal but because I haven't responded to them. I feel like a turtle, secluded in its shell, and I don't even want to poke my head out. I also see it in how few comments I've left on other people's blogs recently and how sporadically I've responded to people who have left comments on mine. I'm way behind in reading the new posts on my Google Reader. I know full well that there's no pressure with all of this, and I shouldn't feel it as such a weighty obligation. But the fact is, these are my friends I'm talking about! I'm not so vain as to think that the world stops turning if I don't respond to someone's email right away, but I'm also aware that I want to make my friends feel treasured and special and loved, and I can't do that well if I don't answer an email (and to a lesser extent, read their blog and perhaps leave a comment). To those who are reading and have maybe felt let down by me recently, I'm so sorry.
So.
Here I am.
In my cave.
Trying to summon up the mental and emotional energy to take a small step out of it and connect with someone.
Because I know that making my own cave look pretty is far less important than living in the real (messy) world.
And being safe is nothing compared with being sent.
Hi Davene.
ReplyDeleteOur family went through seeking God's will for a new home church too this past little while. The whole journey took about 8 months for us. We are now at our new home church & loving it... embarking on a new phase of getting to know people & integrating into its ministry.
God is faithful & He will lead you... even if sometimes it seems like the waiting is forever! Trust me... :-)
Very well put, Davene. You can probably tell by the way infrequently post on my own blog and comment here that I go in and out of my own cave on a regular basis. I, too, struggle with feeling obligated about all this, but hope that I am managing, above all, to keep the family as the focus and not everything else that distracts me. Hope you're feeling less cave-y just in the writing of this.
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow cave-dweller, I can relate to your post, Davene! Although I cherish the safety and security and quiet of my own cave, I recognize the need, especially recently, to not be so *into* me and only me.
ReplyDeleteWhen you are feeling up to it, would you consider a post about your search for a new church home? You have alluded to the subject before but I can't recall any specific posts about it since I've been reading your blog(s). If the subject is too private, I totally understand. But let me ask a silly question that I have been wondering about: Is your husband a pastor? I know he is a barber but I think he may also be a pastor and I think this is a silly question because it seems like I should already know the answer to this! :-)
You are loved. :)
ReplyDeleteI can be guilty of cave-dwelling too.
Thank you, friends! You have encouraged me already, and I deeply appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteMargie, I think I am indeed feeling less cave-y already. :) Just sticking my head out the door is a good first step. :)
Mary, whew! I would love to write a post about our search for a church home, but I'm afraid I couldn't do it. Not in one post! It would become like the mother-in-law post and turn into a series!! :) But I would like to do that, and I have a lot of thoughts about it, and I want to record them so that in the future, I'll have an accurate picture of what was going on during this period of time. One of these days... By the way, the only silly question is the unasked one! I'm glad you felt free to ask about Jeff. The answer is yes and no. For years, Jeff has felt a call from God to be in the ministry/do ministry/be a pastor/whatever you want to call it. He was trained as a barber 20+ years ago, and he has always worked in some combination of those two fields. Sometimes in the full-time ministry, sometimes not...but regardless, he truly does minister to people as he lives his life and cuts their hair! :) At the current time, he is not a pastor. We wouldn't rule out a return to the ministry however, either here or abroad. More than anything, we want to know God and help others know Him. Does that answer your question?
Hello, Friend! Be yourself and those who love you will not be let down. Just know that you are loved by many. No expectations!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, being in this in-between state. Take all the time you need "in the cave" that is healthy and profitable. Please let us know if you ever need help getting out of the cave. I'm still praying for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming out of your cave to visit with me--and for thinking of me when you've been in your cave this month.
ReplyDeleteI saw your response to my comment while I was chatting with my little sister on Skype--and pretty much started bawling again.
I am so glad to have you for a friend--even if it's "just" as an internet friend. :-)